Scarred

I am scared. Scared to open myself up to someone new. There are reservations.. a lot of reservations. I know opening my heart and giving someone an opportunity to make me feel special also means opening myself to possibility of getting hurt all over again.

I have to be careful, I need to be careful. I need to use my mind and not just my heart. Maybe I am moving to fast, maybe I shouldn't be going out just yet, maybe I should isolate myself a little bit longer. I don't know how to trust, I don't know how to stop thinking that I'll be disappointed again, I don't know when I can give myself fully to someone.. to anyone.

A nerve was hit while I was watching Friends with Benefits earlier - Just like Mila Kunis, someone I used to date, said I was too emotionally damaged. We are good now, I mean we still talk, we still go out for coffee every now and then but I pretty much made sure that we stayed friends. Just friends. I just don't like the idea of anybody calling me damaged - kahit emotionally pa yan. Then lately, I realized that maybe it is partly true, I am emotionally scarred. When someone gets too close I back off. I hide like a scared puppy. I can't help it. I really can't. 

It's too scary. Life is too scary for me right now. Love is an emotion that seems so far away. I can't believe that anyone could care for me. I just can't...