A Tale of Two Condoms

Once upon a time there was a girl who loves everything with polka dots, she loves those tiny circles to bits that she even plans to use it as a wedding theme - if ever she gets married. She admires anything with polka dots but does not buy them often - she just thinks it's not practical. She just views anything online that is related to polka dots. Skirts, bags, blouses, laptop cases, mugs, swimwear, curtains, wallpapers, shoes, towels, carpets, food art.. the list could go on and on and on..

One day in the early months of 2011, she was window shopping at a local department store when a single umbrella caught her eye. It was as if all the other umbrellas are not at par with it. It was dark blue and it has little white circles on it -- it was either an umbrella with chicken pox or it has polka dots! Her heart skipped a bit and she knew right then and there that she wants it. She ditched her green umbrella for the new one. It became part of her humble polka dot collection. She bought it around summer time and she wished it rained just a little so she can show off her new purchase. It didn't - but she used it anyway. She had a long affair with that umbrella, she refused to leave it at home even if she knows she won't use it. Then one rainy June evening she arrived home with just an empty case in her hand - she left her precious polka dot umbrella on a cab. She was heartbroken and she could only wish that her sturdy and beautiful umbrella would be useful to anyone who picked it up. She hoped that the new owner would have a lasting affair until with that polka dot beauty as she did. 

The girl knew that she must move on and start looking for a new umbrella - she needs one since it's officially typhoon season where she's at. She searched high and low for another polka dot umbrella but she never found one. Well she did, but not the same quality as her old one. After a while she stopped looking for a polka dot umbrella, she opened herself to different styles, different colors but same quality. She got a new umbrella in red, she didn't like it at first but it grew on her, for almost a month that umbrella protected her from rain and even the scorching heat. Then a few minutes before July turns to August she walks from the cab to her gate with her bag on her arm and a cake in one hand and  and an empty red umbrella case on the other. Yes, she lost her red-ish umbrella. She lost another one again. 

Now, all she has are two empty umbrella condoms. A reminder that at one point or another she had a rain-buddy. Now she must look for another one and hopefully the next one would last forever or until it breaks or  until the girl dies - whichever comes first.

Mob Mentality sucks

Gossip. The worst enemy. It's when someone takes your words and molds it into something ugly and mean and your words become partially true or not true at all.

Kampihan. this goes best with gossip. When a group of people who talk about everything but themselves. It's when people find fault on other people and the common hatred intensifies with each accusation and then finally the lie becomes the truth and your vision of the what is real and what is not becomes unclear.

It's true that kung sino ang wala sya ang pinaguusapan -- I use to laugh at this, I think for me it is just a friendly banter. It's a way of showing that you miss someone. I thought it's like remembering your friend's booboos and laughing about life. Not anymore. I thank God that He blessed me with a person who told me what is happening right under my nose.

I just think that if you are friends with a person and you hear something good or bad you gotta confirm it first. I am not saying that I am the best friend ever, I do make mistakes but I always give someone the benefit of the doubt. Always. When people ask me before about another person I tell them the truth, I tell them what I hear and I tell them what the common consensus is. I do this not with the intention of gossiping but because I am sharing the confusion I am feeling -- because I thought they were my friends. For me, that was all that I did wrong, I shared my confusion. I shared what I heard. I reflected on this again and again and again. I realized that betrayal is the worst heartbreak.

This is the last time I am going to let this affect me. I don't ever want to defend myself again. When you don't reach out to a person to ask their side then you are burning bridges. If people I call my friends opt not to ask my side then I won't even bother to explain to them. I won't waste my time and I won't waste theirs. I just hate it when people take sides. I hate it. Mob Mentality sucks.

Again, betrayal is the worst heartbreak. I'm sad right now but I'll be okay real soon. I know I rough it out a lot with friends, I tease and make fun of them, that's just the way I show love. I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe they just don't know me at all that's why one word made them turn their back on me. As with ending any relationship, remember the good and let go of the bad. Bow.

Chin up

I know I need to support Miguel whatever his plans are.. but it's less than two months before he leaves. I know it's not permanent, I know he loves me and I know he'd go back for me but I am scared. I know he makes an effort to spend as much time as possible with me -- I appreciate that. Bakit ako nasa-sad? I know it's just for a year pero bakit ako nasa-sad tlaga? He's gonna miss my birthday, our first anniversary and other milestones.. pero sabi nya nga when he gets back we have a lifetime to share together.

Pero on the lighter side, we have a year apart. We have time to improve ourselves, to be better people for each other. Sana lng wag sya masanay masyado na wala ako. I trust him - I do. Of all my relationships, si Miguel is the first one to make me feel secure. Kaya namin 'to :) di ba? Aja!

Random post. sorry :D

I wish I could take your pain away..

I went through a tough breakup this year, the ex cheated on me and it was the most painful thing I had to go through in the 27 years of my existence. I don't wish the pain and the suffering to anybody - not even to my worst enemy and especially not to anyone dear to me.

Then my worst nightmare happened, my sister's boyfriend cheated on her. I received a call saying that she was rushed to the ER because she was dehydrated and weak but she was discharged after two bottles of dextrose. She has been crying for two days when we knew what happened. She was staying with a friend because her ex is waiting for her on the unit she was renting, she was sad and distraught and she was crying. It broke my heart and I cried with her, I told her that I want to go to where she was and hug her and try my best to take the pain away. She doesn't want to see me, she said "Ate kita e, pag nakita kita iiyak ako ng iiyak lalo. Ayoko na umiyak ate, ayoko na maramdaman yung sakit. Promise ate, haharap ako pag ready nako.."

I respected her decision, I understood her because I went through the same thing, I didn't want to talk to anybody because talking at that point makes everything that happened real. I know my sister is not perfect, I know she has her faults but she doesn't deserve the pain, the confusion and the suffering she is going through  right now.

I curse every man who cheats! I wish I could inflict as much pain as I can to the douschebag who hurt my sister, but revenge won't do any good. It would not make her heal faster, it would just make her dwell on the misery for a while longer.

I wish I could take her pain away, I wish I could make her sleep peacefully at night, I wish I could give her back the confidence she lost when that a**hole decided to break her heart. I wish I could make time go faster because right now time is the only thing that will make her feel better.

Kapatid ko yun e, nasasaktan din ako kasi nasasaktan sya. Umiiyak ako kasi umiiyak sya. The only thing I could do is pray for her and love her and show her that she deserves a better man. I love you so much Denise. I know we don't always see eye to eye, but when things go tough Ate Wes is always here for you. Things would be better real soon, because I am a living proof that when God closes a door a window opens. I know you are in pain now, but real soon you will be happy again and you will be much stronger and wiser because of what happened.

And to my sister's unfaithful boyfriend: Leave my sister alone! You are no longer welcome to our family. Get lost before I do something that both of us might regret. You wouldn't want to mess with me or my family ever again.

Minus one

A lot of people make mistakes and sometimes people just bury the memories and try to live like nothing happened... but then one day someone picks up a shovel and digs his way through your life and makes you face the mistake that you buried and forgotten a long time ago. Then you are forced to remember every single detail and feel the shame all over again. Then you begin to doubt the decision you made a long time ago and the what-ifs starts coming in.

It is a sad cycle, another bad thing about the past is that it remains in the past -- it can haunt you, it can hurt you but you can't change anything. It remains that way forever - that's why the word regret is invented.

You could be confident with the decision you made today but then regret that tomorrow. That's life, it's a never ending process of ups and downs. It is a matter of principle, a matter of believing that what you did at that point is what felt right... but that logic doesn't excuse anybody from the consequences of their actions.

So where do I stand today? I am on an emotional turmoil. Regrets, what-ifs and acceptance all at the same time. A roller coaster of emotions. I am sorry for what happened. I wish I could've been wiser in making the decision to stay mum about things that were meant to be known. I was scared to hurt someone before but I still ended up hurting that person. Does intentions count? I think so, i never intended to hurt. I wanted to protect and make someone extremely happy.

Now we are both hurt. And it pains me to know that someone has to go through the terrible feeling of betrayal because of me. I wish I could take the pain away. Nobody deserves to go through the emotional suffering caused by my actions.

I am sorry. I am really really really sorry.

The Lump

I have been sick for latter part of July and most part August. There is something scary going on though. I have a lump on my left breast, on the lower side. I dismissed it for the duration of my downtime blaming it on the heavy coughing which I thought strained my muscles there, then after the cough was gone, I blamed it on my period. Now it is hurting like hell and I have nothing else to blame it to. I stopped wearing wired undergarments because it is too painful. 

I am not yet comfortable to share this with anyone personally, but I am scared that this might be worse than what I initially thought. I have scheduled to have it checked next week, I need to have it checked by a professional. What triggered my panic was that earlier today I woke up with my nose bleeding and it didn't stop for a while and lately I have been getting tired easily, I feel more tired than I was +15lbs earlier, and I have this insane migraines that wakes me up in the wee hours of the morning.

Please pray for me. And mom, I know you're gonna be reading this sometime soon. I didn't tell you because I am worried that we might blow things out of proportion. Baka wala naman to e. I love you.

Scarred

I am scared. Scared to open myself up to someone new. There are reservations.. a lot of reservations. I know opening my heart and giving someone an opportunity to make me feel special also means opening myself to possibility of getting hurt all over again.

I have to be careful, I need to be careful. I need to use my mind and not just my heart. Maybe I am moving to fast, maybe I shouldn't be going out just yet, maybe I should isolate myself a little bit longer. I don't know how to trust, I don't know how to stop thinking that I'll be disappointed again, I don't know when I can give myself fully to someone.. to anyone.

A nerve was hit while I was watching Friends with Benefits earlier - Just like Mila Kunis, someone I used to date, said I was too emotionally damaged. We are good now, I mean we still talk, we still go out for coffee every now and then but I pretty much made sure that we stayed friends. Just friends. I just don't like the idea of anybody calling me damaged - kahit emotionally pa yan. Then lately, I realized that maybe it is partly true, I am emotionally scarred. When someone gets too close I back off. I hide like a scared puppy. I can't help it. I really can't. 

It's too scary. Life is too scary for me right now. Love is an emotion that seems so far away. I can't believe that anyone could care for me. I just can't...

Should I forgive, rebuild and move on?

Am I making excuses for him? Am I being stupid? I am so confused.

Questions that will remain unanswered until later when we see each other and talk..

From a blog I was reading:
"He needs to work HARD at rebuilding the trust he destroyed. He needs to be proactive on this - not you. You will trust naturally when you realize that his behavior warrants it."

The cycle goes on..

I am scared
I am confused
I am insecure
I am unhappy
I am happy
I am a nervous wreck
I am feeling numb
I am always on the verge of tears
I am sorry
I am thinking a lot
I am sleepless
I am hungry but I can't eat
I am hopeful
I am loved
I am going crazy
I am a zombie
I am barely breathing
I am forgiving
I am hoping for your happiness..
and I am gonna decide. TODAY.

:(

Kahit di mo sabihin
Aking napapansin
Di na kita pipilitin
Dahil di mo naman aaminin

Nagbago ang higpit ng yakap mo
Nagbago rin kung paano mo tawagin ang pangalan ko
Ang halik mo’y nagbago
Di ko alam bakit nagkaganito

Chorus:

Kahit na hindi mo sabihin pa
Nararamdaman kong ayaw mo na
Ayaw mo nang magpatuloy pa
Kahit na sabihing mahal pa kita
Walang magagawa kung ayaw mo na
Paano na
Di ko kayang mag-isa

Kahit di mo sabihin
Damang-dama pa rin
Wala na ang kislap ng yong mata
Tuwing ikaw ay kasama
Wala na ang dating saya
Yakap mo ay kaylamig na
Dating sigla sana’y mapalitan

Repeat Chorus

Paanong pipigilan ang nararamdaman

Repeat Chorus

Paano na
Di ko kayang mag-isa

I want to feel like this again..

Fairytales always have happy endings and no matter what happens to Chicco and me, I will still look for my happily ever after..

I am no longer hurting.. I am now prepared..

I was talking to D and M earlier trying to figure out what was wrong with me and my situation then I realized that that was my rainbow in this cloudy day -- I am happy I have friends I can call anytime of the day whenever I need ears to listen to bits of telenovelas I call my life. I am lucky that I have two people who know my life inside out and is willing to tell me upfront what they think, I love them both for that.

Anyhoo, I am writing this with no sleep for almost 36 hours, emotions are high, tears flowing, and my mind working faster than the speed of light. M is my angel, she speaks her mind in her soft voice and she makes me feel loved just by listening and being the sidekick that I needed. She is mad when I am mad, she is happy when I am happy, and I can feel her pain when I cry. She is perfect in every way possible. She made me calm down and think straight and plan on what needs to be done, she prepared me for the worst but we both hope for the best. D on the other hand is direct to the point, he asked me questions that made me realize that I might be overreacting, that I need to talk, that we need to straighten things out.. And then out of the blue, I realized my insecurities, why I am so paranoid.. I don't feel beautiful anymore, I gained 15 freakin' pounds since January, and since then we didn't go out as much, we didn't bond, we didn't talk, we let our relationship go down the drain just because I was scared of what people might think of my size.

Now I know what to do, I need to forgive myself and take care of myself more. I can't love anybody else if I can't love myself. And I am taking the first step on Monday. I will love myself. Then we will try to fix the broken pieces of our relationship and if it is no longer fixable then I should move forward with no regrets because I know that I did everything humanly possible to get back my happily ever after.

And to the best combination of friends that a person can wish for -- D and M, thank you.. and I love you..

Heal the World.. make it a better place..

Earthquake in Haiti, Earthquake in Chile and a landslide in Uganda.. what's happening to the world???

Here in the Philippines, we had Ondoy, Peping and countless other typhoons which caused damage beyond repair to many Filipino families.. And now there is El Nino..

Let's all pray to Papa Jesus to help us heal mother Earth..