October 17th

You know the usual way of describng the feeling of being in love in movies? Heart skips a beat, butterflies in your stomach and tingly sensation when a man's hand finds its way to the leading lady's hand? I am telling you right now those writers described the feeling to a tee! I never thought that it actually happens in real life. When I am with Miguel I feel like I am always in a movie scene, when we walk hand in hand, when he showers me with affection, when he smiles when I walk towards him. It's like everyday is special, every waking moment is something to look forward to. I feel happy. I can say that am at my happiest right now.

I am loving the fact that he is taller than me - makes me feel very feminine when we are together. I can wear heels! Finally. haha

I have been in relationships before, but it's the first time that I actually feel like I am someone's leading lady. I smile a lot, I laugh out loud and I am always in a good mood. it's like there's an imaginary wind on my hair and an extra bounce in my walk. My own version of a perfect music video each time I am with him.

With my mom's blessing and my dad's acceptance we are now officially together. Yeah, together.. i like the way together rhymes with forever :)

Things are falling into place. There is no adjustment period when we transitioned to being "us" - being with my Miguel feels natural. He is my personal upper and I hope I am his too. It's like we have been together for the longest time. When I think of Miguel, I think of love, patience and perseverance. His name to me is now synonymous to the words effort, romantic, hugs and butterfly kisses!

Is it even legal to be this freakin' happy? :)

The Lump - Part 2

Negative.. but the doctor did warn me that I should be using proper fitting undergarments. My lady-bumps were strained by wearing underwires. Of course it will look perky and pretty but it actually causes muscle strains and backpains which can later develop into lumps - the bad kind. Also, sleeping with your boob-supporters is a no-no. Better unclasp the hook and let the twins rest at night -- yeah they get tired too.

We need to be vigilant and conscious of the changes in our body, because body parts won't hurt just because it wants to hurt. It'll hurt because it wants to tell you that something is wrong with your system. The doctor was furious that I had to wait a couple of weeks before I had it checked if I waited a little longer or I just disregarded the pain alltogether then things would have ended up differently. I do have dreams of doing a commercial one day and saying "Breastmilk is still best for babies up to 6 months(?)". I should be taking care of myself more.. and you should too.

Oh well, there you go.. for those people who were concered of me. I am good. A bit anemic and my blood circulation is going haywire and the weirdest thing is that I haven't had my period yet which I was supposed to have 4 days ago(no mom, I am not pregnant - di ako immaculada)... but other than that I am good :) God is good :)

I wish I could take your pain away..

I went through a tough breakup this year, the ex cheated on me and it was the most painful thing I had to go through in the 27 years of my existence. I don't wish the pain and the suffering to anybody - not even to my worst enemy and especially not to anyone dear to me.

Then my worst nightmare happened, my sister's boyfriend cheated on her. I received a call saying that she was rushed to the ER because she was dehydrated and weak but she was discharged after two bottles of dextrose. She has been crying for two days when we knew what happened. She was staying with a friend because her ex is waiting for her on the unit she was renting, she was sad and distraught and she was crying. It broke my heart and I cried with her, I told her that I want to go to where she was and hug her and try my best to take the pain away. She doesn't want to see me, she said "Ate kita e, pag nakita kita iiyak ako ng iiyak lalo. Ayoko na umiyak ate, ayoko na maramdaman yung sakit. Promise ate, haharap ako pag ready nako.."

I respected her decision, I understood her because I went through the same thing, I didn't want to talk to anybody because talking at that point makes everything that happened real. I know my sister is not perfect, I know she has her faults but she doesn't deserve the pain, the confusion and the suffering she is going through  right now.

I curse every man who cheats! I wish I could inflict as much pain as I can to the douschebag who hurt my sister, but revenge won't do any good. It would not make her heal faster, it would just make her dwell on the misery for a while longer.

I wish I could take her pain away, I wish I could make her sleep peacefully at night, I wish I could give her back the confidence she lost when that a**hole decided to break her heart. I wish I could make time go faster because right now time is the only thing that will make her feel better.

Kapatid ko yun e, nasasaktan din ako kasi nasasaktan sya. Umiiyak ako kasi umiiyak sya. The only thing I could do is pray for her and love her and show her that she deserves a better man. I love you so much Denise. I know we don't always see eye to eye, but when things go tough Ate Wes is always here for you. Things would be better real soon, because I am a living proof that when God closes a door a window opens. I know you are in pain now, but real soon you will be happy again and you will be much stronger and wiser because of what happened.

And to my sister's unfaithful boyfriend: Leave my sister alone! You are no longer welcome to our family. Get lost before I do something that both of us might regret. You wouldn't want to mess with me or my family ever again.

Plus One

Miguel. I know it's the first time I mentioned him in this blog.. I was kinda keeping him to myself for a while.. I want to get to know him before I introduced him to you guys.. He makes me extremely happy.. like crazy happy. He makes me feel a thousand times better when I am down. He makes me feel like a girl -- i mean a woman when I am with him. I feel safe and secure and contented when we are together. I love that we can talk about anything -- everything. I admire his passion for his work. I appreciate his efforts just to spend time with me. I think he is one of those special type of people that comes into your life and makes a difference. A big difference. I am making him sound like any girl's prince charming but he aint perfect -- I like that he isn't perfect  because I am not perfect either.I am scared  of how I am feeling for him - letting him into my life means giving him the opportunity to hurt me. Right? It means opening my heart again. Is it too soon? I have strong emotions for him already. Is that wrong? Is being happy this soon wrong?

He met my brothers and sister already and they liked him and mind you my brothers and sister didn't like the idea of meeting him at first. They were hurt when Archie cheated on me - they felt betrayed too. Dane was saying how nice Kuya Migs was and how soft spoken. She even made a comment how his height matches mine. And they were saying that they have never seen me as happy as I am today.

I didn't expect this to happen, I mean I was dating two other people when we first started, but nobody matches the butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling he gives me when I am with him.  To be honest, I thought we would end up as friends and we did.. plus more. I don't have the awkward-must-impress feeling that I get when I was with the other two. I can be myself, I can skip, I can  laugh out loud, I can be myself without worrying what he'll think of me. I never expected that we'd  end up where we are right now. I want to think that all the pain I went through is a prelude to the happiness that Miguel has in store for me.

I stopped seeing other people (itago sa pangalang Chek and Man haha) after Miguel and I went to Manila Ocean Park. That was the time I decided that I want to get to know him more. I like how he is not ashamed to show his affection. He is sweet and caring and thoughtful and he is a gentleman. The word 'happy' does not do justice to the emotion I am feeling now. I wish he can live up to his word, I wish that he could be faithful and I wish that he could be the one. 

I don't doubt his intentions.. I am just scared to move to the next level. What are we now? Exclusively dating siguro, I hope he is exclusively dating me too. I don't want to assume. hahaha Ano ba para nakong teenager! hehehe

Funny ang Exclusively dating, feeling ko para lang kaming si Angel Locsin and si Phil Younghusband. hahaha

Oh Miguel, how you  make me happy! :) Hmmmmmmmmmm... 

Minus one

A lot of people make mistakes and sometimes people just bury the memories and try to live like nothing happened... but then one day someone picks up a shovel and digs his way through your life and makes you face the mistake that you buried and forgotten a long time ago. Then you are forced to remember every single detail and feel the shame all over again. Then you begin to doubt the decision you made a long time ago and the what-ifs starts coming in.

It is a sad cycle, another bad thing about the past is that it remains in the past -- it can haunt you, it can hurt you but you can't change anything. It remains that way forever - that's why the word regret is invented.

You could be confident with the decision you made today but then regret that tomorrow. That's life, it's a never ending process of ups and downs. It is a matter of principle, a matter of believing that what you did at that point is what felt right... but that logic doesn't excuse anybody from the consequences of their actions.

So where do I stand today? I am on an emotional turmoil. Regrets, what-ifs and acceptance all at the same time. A roller coaster of emotions. I am sorry for what happened. I wish I could've been wiser in making the decision to stay mum about things that were meant to be known. I was scared to hurt someone before but I still ended up hurting that person. Does intentions count? I think so, i never intended to hurt. I wanted to protect and make someone extremely happy.

Now we are both hurt. And it pains me to know that someone has to go through the terrible feeling of betrayal because of me. I wish I could take the pain away. Nobody deserves to go through the emotional suffering caused by my actions.

I am sorry. I am really really really sorry.