Inspiring

Chin up

I know I need to support Miguel whatever his plans are.. but it's less than two months before he leaves. I know it's not permanent, I know he loves me and I know he'd go back for me but I am scared. I know he makes an effort to spend as much time as possible with me -- I appreciate that. Bakit ako nasa-sad? I know it's just for a year pero bakit ako nasa-sad tlaga? He's gonna miss my birthday, our first anniversary and other milestones.. pero sabi nya nga when he gets back we have a lifetime to share together.

Pero on the lighter side, we have a year apart. We have time to improve ourselves, to be better people for each other. Sana lng wag sya masanay masyado na wala ako. I trust him - I do. Of all my relationships, si Miguel is the first one to make me feel secure. Kaya namin 'to :) di ba? Aja!

Random post. sorry :D

Christmas 2011

In a week, it would be Christmas. I realized this fact while Sarah and I were casuallyt alking about Christmas Parties and changing our regular worn-out bills to crisp and fragrant ones which would be given to inaanaks - most of which I only get to see once a year and of course they chose Christmas day to visit Ninang Alecs :)

I remember when I was younger Christmas is a big deal for me. Aside from my birthday, it's one of the holidays where I receive gifts. I like receiving gifts that went through a thinking process or have meanings. When I was 9 years old my Tita Liza gave me a watch because she saw how on time I was and how fidgety I get when I am late.There was also a time wasy back in highschool when mommy gave me a bag -- a huge one, just because she knows that I tend to put tons of things in my bag and because she knows I like oversized bags. Miguel gave me books that I was looking for a long long time because he knows I like to read. See? Gifts with significance makes ordinary days extra special. I am not saying that I don't appreciate other gifts - the mere fact that I am on somebody's gift list is enough to make my heart go pitter-patter. I just feel extra special when someone takes time to get to know what I really want :)

This Christmas is the first one that we get to spend with Cholo - our little angel, the blessing that made our family closer than ever. This is also the first Christmas(in 5 years) where Denise is no longer with Erick, I know my sister is sad right now so we need to make her feel loved more than ever. This is the first Christmas when I am worried to bits because my mom would be undergoing an operation after the holidays. This is my first Christmas with Miguel, after years of having ordinary holidays I know this one would be... LEGEN ..wait for it.. DARY!(Barney Stinson voice. lol). 

What I want for Christmas is for everyone I love to be safe and happy and at peace. I wish Mom's operation would go well and I wish that Dad would take care of himself more, I wish that Denise would be enlightened and would be able to make the decision to move forward or to fully let go of Erick, I wish that Miguel would pass his embassy interview. I wish Cholo would grow up to be a good boy. I know wished do come true, it's part of the Christmas magic :)

2012 aint the end of the world

It kinda bothers me that Miguel is always sick nowadays. I really can't put a finger to it, but I know there's something wrong with him. He works too hard and pushes himself too much with everything that he's doing. I wish he would slow down - contrary to the movie, 2012 is not the end of the world yet. So I hope he stops doing things like there's no tomorrow.

I hope he gets well real soon. I really do.

Oh well, on a lighter note - since 2012 is definitely not the end of the world, I really have to watch my finances, my family is growing and expenses are piling up, I am losing more than what I am getting monthly. It's stressful. I know things will be lighter come February because of the Bank Loan for the house but still it worries me that Andi and Gio would be enrolling on June. 

I am thinking of moving on to greener pastures but I can't leave the comfortable schedule that I have and the people that I am working with, plus the work I do is not as stressful as before. I am on a crossroad and I dunno which path to take. I am confused as hell. 

Well, I know things will fall into place real soon. I trust that Papa Jesus has plans for me. I should just let Him lead me to where I should be. 

I pray each night to keep all my loved ones safe, I pray that I could provide a better life for my siblings, I pray that Mom and Dad gets better and that they stay with us for a loooong time, I pray that Miguel will be my forever and that he will get to know the value of health, I pray that I things will fall into place real soon. Thank you Papa Jesus!

Mi-Lessa

Remember KimErald? KathNiel? JaMich? MelAson? Love-teams, yeah. Being the jologs that I am, I kinda played with my name and Miguel's. I got MigueLessa, Mi-Lecs, Sa-Mig,  Gue-ssa(witty, noh?lol) until finally I came up with Mi-Lessa. Yeah, I invested time trying to think of the perfect name for our loveteam, I am weird like that. haha 

Now I am thinking of opening a facebook fan page! kidding :) This goes to show that I have nothing useful to do. My mind is wandering. :D

Just so you know, I am laughing all throughout writing this blog. :p

Uno!

I don't know what I did right in my 27 years of existence to deserve a brother like Gio, he is smart, caring and can I say smart again?! haha He was able to get 1.0 in two of his subjects last semester. Yeah you read it right - 1.0 beybeh! Sometimes when things don't go my way, Papa Jesus makes it a point to slap me in the face and show me how lucky I am. 

Every sacrifice I made to make ends meet and to make our lives comfortable is worthwhile. So what if my savings account is not as big as people my age? What I have is the sense of fulfillment that my brothers and sisters give me every single day. They are my biggest achievement. They will always be. And right now I am one proud Ate! :)

Yesterday.. today.. tomorrow..

Yesterday was awesome - well, my whole weekend was awesome. Last Saturday, Miguel and I went to Antipolo to celebrate Yashy's 7th birthday. Why was Saturday so special? Because you see, Yashy is Yssa and Joseph's eldest daughter, and Yssa and Joseph are my highschool friends. Super close friends. So, it wasn't just a children's party it was our mini reunion as well. It was also special because it was the first time that Miguel met my highschool buddies and it was a big deal for me. I want my closest friends to meet the person of my today, my tomorrow and my forever.

I was happy that my friends liked him. They were saying that he was easy to be with. Hindi sya alagain kasama e, I can leave him with my friends without worrying na ma-OP sya, he can take care of himself plus I am lucky to have friends who are so welcoming and supportive of my life in general. Migs and I had to cancel our November 19 date just because the group wanted to go to the beach that day. I liked that when I asked Migs if he wanted to just go with them he answered: "Kung asan ka Mahal, andun ako". He is supportive of my happiness that way. I loved how Miguel saw a different side of me, highschool friends always brings out the kid in me. I want Miguel to see the good and the bad in me. 

A negative thing though is that I am taking too much of his time already. He always says yes whenever I ask him to tag along with my friends and family, he has been cancelling basketball games and I know his friends miss him already. That's why I am letting him have some time to himself, i don't want his world to revolve around me and his work. That aint healthy. 

Just to share, yesterday we were together - we ate lunch, watched some videos and talked the afternoon away. When I am with Miguel time seems to fly away. I really don't know where the hours, minutes and seconds go when I am with him. I like that he can see a future with me - it makes my heart flutter when he talks about stuff that we can do together. I love that I am part of his goals and I like that he includes 'us' when  he is planning for his future. Yesterday, he held me while we slow danced without any music, we just talked. I felt secure and loved and happy. 

Anyhoo, this is my 100th post in this blog :) 

Toodles!

October 30, 2011 - The Jason Mraz experience

It was our first concert together. Yeah, I have a thing for milestones and the thing about new relationships is that there are tons of firsts and I make a mental note of the details of each and every one of our firsts. I am ridiculously in love. :)

I was strutting in my 5-inch heels with Miguel's arm around me while mentally humming Jason Mraz' "You and I both" a little before 8pm. I was giddy from the moment we reached Cubao area and I became giddier the moment we got to our seats. The place was packed! Good thing we got patron seats. When the lights dimmed my heart skipped a beat -- there was no front act, no silly introductions -- it was Jason Mraz right from the start 'til the very end.

There was no band just three guitars which he rotated all throughout the concert and Toca Rivera's wonderful musical hands and reggae voice. It was pure talent. I am not familiar with some of the songs he played, but I literally jumped off my seat when he sang "You and I both" and my hips swayed when Jason played "Remedy". Awesome night. Epic. It was the kind of concert where you don't need to know the lyrics of the songs to enjoy the music. We went there for the talent and it was worth every peso.

All throughout the concert Miguel kept saying that Jason M. has yet to play "I'm yours", he was about to give up hope when Jason and Toca suddenly did their bap-bap-du-bi-da-wap thing and started humming the intro of "I'm yours". I can see from Miguel's face that he was excited as ever! We danced side by side, we hugged, we sang out loud, we kissed and we smiled at each other. It was romantic. It was the perfect end to a perfect evening. 

Spell effort: M-I-G-U-E-L

I woke up with my head breaking in to two and lights blinding me. I tried getting up to take  bath and get ready for work but my head was killing me so I had to call in sick for the day. My brothers left me with pandesal and I still have the medicine that my boyfriend bought for me last weekend so I was pretty much geared up to sleep off the whole day.

I was going in and out of consciousness the whole morning -- which was a good thing, and then my Miguel decided to drop by and play nurse with me. I know how much effort he puts in just to be with me but I never expected him to come all the way to Quezon City after working from last night to 2pm this afternoon. He made me smile and he made me drink my medicine on time and he made me eat. As usual we were able to talk nonstop, he made me feel better than I was the moment I woke up this morning. I appreciated that he stayed even longer to have dinner with me and my brothers. I appreciated him even more when he kissed me and told me he loves me before he went home to get ready to go back to work again.

Thank you Love for spending time with me, baby-ing me, fulfilling my chicken joy craving, hugging me when I am cold, forcing me to drink my meds and letting me feel every single day that you love me. 

Yeah I am one lucky girl. I love you Miguel!

October 17th

You know the usual way of describng the feeling of being in love in movies? Heart skips a beat, butterflies in your stomach and tingly sensation when a man's hand finds its way to the leading lady's hand? I am telling you right now those writers described the feeling to a tee! I never thought that it actually happens in real life. When I am with Miguel I feel like I am always in a movie scene, when we walk hand in hand, when he showers me with affection, when he smiles when I walk towards him. It's like everyday is special, every waking moment is something to look forward to. I feel happy. I can say that am at my happiest right now.

I am loving the fact that he is taller than me - makes me feel very feminine when we are together. I can wear heels! Finally. haha

I have been in relationships before, but it's the first time that I actually feel like I am someone's leading lady. I smile a lot, I laugh out loud and I am always in a good mood. it's like there's an imaginary wind on my hair and an extra bounce in my walk. My own version of a perfect music video each time I am with him.

With my mom's blessing and my dad's acceptance we are now officially together. Yeah, together.. i like the way together rhymes with forever :)

Things are falling into place. There is no adjustment period when we transitioned to being "us" - being with my Miguel feels natural. He is my personal upper and I hope I am his too. It's like we have been together for the longest time. When I think of Miguel, I think of love, patience and perseverance. His name to me is now synonymous to the words effort, romantic, hugs and butterfly kisses!

Is it even legal to be this freakin' happy? :)

The Lump - Part 2

Negative.. but the doctor did warn me that I should be using proper fitting undergarments. My lady-bumps were strained by wearing underwires. Of course it will look perky and pretty but it actually causes muscle strains and backpains which can later develop into lumps - the bad kind. Also, sleeping with your boob-supporters is a no-no. Better unclasp the hook and let the twins rest at night -- yeah they get tired too.

We need to be vigilant and conscious of the changes in our body, because body parts won't hurt just because it wants to hurt. It'll hurt because it wants to tell you that something is wrong with your system. The doctor was furious that I had to wait a couple of weeks before I had it checked if I waited a little longer or I just disregarded the pain alltogether then things would have ended up differently. I do have dreams of doing a commercial one day and saying "Breastmilk is still best for babies up to 6 months(?)". I should be taking care of myself more.. and you should too.

Oh well, there you go.. for those people who were concered of me. I am good. A bit anemic and my blood circulation is going haywire and the weirdest thing is that I haven't had my period yet which I was supposed to have 4 days ago(no mom, I am not pregnant - di ako immaculada)... but other than that I am good :) God is good :)

I wish I could take your pain away..

I went through a tough breakup this year, the ex cheated on me and it was the most painful thing I had to go through in the 27 years of my existence. I don't wish the pain and the suffering to anybody - not even to my worst enemy and especially not to anyone dear to me.

Then my worst nightmare happened, my sister's boyfriend cheated on her. I received a call saying that she was rushed to the ER because she was dehydrated and weak but she was discharged after two bottles of dextrose. She has been crying for two days when we knew what happened. She was staying with a friend because her ex is waiting for her on the unit she was renting, she was sad and distraught and she was crying. It broke my heart and I cried with her, I told her that I want to go to where she was and hug her and try my best to take the pain away. She doesn't want to see me, she said "Ate kita e, pag nakita kita iiyak ako ng iiyak lalo. Ayoko na umiyak ate, ayoko na maramdaman yung sakit. Promise ate, haharap ako pag ready nako.."

I respected her decision, I understood her because I went through the same thing, I didn't want to talk to anybody because talking at that point makes everything that happened real. I know my sister is not perfect, I know she has her faults but she doesn't deserve the pain, the confusion and the suffering she is going through  right now.

I curse every man who cheats! I wish I could inflict as much pain as I can to the douschebag who hurt my sister, but revenge won't do any good. It would not make her heal faster, it would just make her dwell on the misery for a while longer.

I wish I could take her pain away, I wish I could make her sleep peacefully at night, I wish I could give her back the confidence she lost when that a**hole decided to break her heart. I wish I could make time go faster because right now time is the only thing that will make her feel better.

Kapatid ko yun e, nasasaktan din ako kasi nasasaktan sya. Umiiyak ako kasi umiiyak sya. The only thing I could do is pray for her and love her and show her that she deserves a better man. I love you so much Denise. I know we don't always see eye to eye, but when things go tough Ate Wes is always here for you. Things would be better real soon, because I am a living proof that when God closes a door a window opens. I know you are in pain now, but real soon you will be happy again and you will be much stronger and wiser because of what happened.

And to my sister's unfaithful boyfriend: Leave my sister alone! You are no longer welcome to our family. Get lost before I do something that both of us might regret. You wouldn't want to mess with me or my family ever again.

Plus One

Miguel. I know it's the first time I mentioned him in this blog.. I was kinda keeping him to myself for a while.. I want to get to know him before I introduced him to you guys.. He makes me extremely happy.. like crazy happy. He makes me feel a thousand times better when I am down. He makes me feel like a girl -- i mean a woman when I am with him. I feel safe and secure and contented when we are together. I love that we can talk about anything -- everything. I admire his passion for his work. I appreciate his efforts just to spend time with me. I think he is one of those special type of people that comes into your life and makes a difference. A big difference. I am making him sound like any girl's prince charming but he aint perfect -- I like that he isn't perfect  because I am not perfect either.I am scared  of how I am feeling for him - letting him into my life means giving him the opportunity to hurt me. Right? It means opening my heart again. Is it too soon? I have strong emotions for him already. Is that wrong? Is being happy this soon wrong?

He met my brothers and sister already and they liked him and mind you my brothers and sister didn't like the idea of meeting him at first. They were hurt when Archie cheated on me - they felt betrayed too. Dane was saying how nice Kuya Migs was and how soft spoken. She even made a comment how his height matches mine. And they were saying that they have never seen me as happy as I am today.

I didn't expect this to happen, I mean I was dating two other people when we first started, but nobody matches the butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling he gives me when I am with him.  To be honest, I thought we would end up as friends and we did.. plus more. I don't have the awkward-must-impress feeling that I get when I was with the other two. I can be myself, I can skip, I can  laugh out loud, I can be myself without worrying what he'll think of me. I never expected that we'd  end up where we are right now. I want to think that all the pain I went through is a prelude to the happiness that Miguel has in store for me.

I stopped seeing other people (itago sa pangalang Chek and Man haha) after Miguel and I went to Manila Ocean Park. That was the time I decided that I want to get to know him more. I like how he is not ashamed to show his affection. He is sweet and caring and thoughtful and he is a gentleman. The word 'happy' does not do justice to the emotion I am feeling now. I wish he can live up to his word, I wish that he could be faithful and I wish that he could be the one. 

I don't doubt his intentions.. I am just scared to move to the next level. What are we now? Exclusively dating siguro, I hope he is exclusively dating me too. I don't want to assume. hahaha Ano ba para nakong teenager! hehehe

Funny ang Exclusively dating, feeling ko para lang kaming si Angel Locsin and si Phil Younghusband. hahaha

Oh Miguel, how you  make me happy! :) Hmmmmmmmmmm... 

Minus one

A lot of people make mistakes and sometimes people just bury the memories and try to live like nothing happened... but then one day someone picks up a shovel and digs his way through your life and makes you face the mistake that you buried and forgotten a long time ago. Then you are forced to remember every single detail and feel the shame all over again. Then you begin to doubt the decision you made a long time ago and the what-ifs starts coming in.

It is a sad cycle, another bad thing about the past is that it remains in the past -- it can haunt you, it can hurt you but you can't change anything. It remains that way forever - that's why the word regret is invented.

You could be confident with the decision you made today but then regret that tomorrow. That's life, it's a never ending process of ups and downs. It is a matter of principle, a matter of believing that what you did at that point is what felt right... but that logic doesn't excuse anybody from the consequences of their actions.

So where do I stand today? I am on an emotional turmoil. Regrets, what-ifs and acceptance all at the same time. A roller coaster of emotions. I am sorry for what happened. I wish I could've been wiser in making the decision to stay mum about things that were meant to be known. I was scared to hurt someone before but I still ended up hurting that person. Does intentions count? I think so, i never intended to hurt. I wanted to protect and make someone extremely happy.

Now we are both hurt. And it pains me to know that someone has to go through the terrible feeling of betrayal because of me. I wish I could take the pain away. Nobody deserves to go through the emotional suffering caused by my actions.

I am sorry. I am really really really sorry.

My favorite video

Ako ay bihirang maaliw sa mga video - Pero this one is highly recommended haha



Starring: Gani with cameo appearance of Tin Gallaza

Yes, flowers.

He looked scared walking towards me with his hand behind his back. I have a photograph of him in my mind walking towards me with a smile on his face. See? Ang sarap tlaga maging babae :)

I am just happy that finally, a man is treating me right. I just wanted to share my happiness with everybody.. I know a lot of people would be happy to know that someone is giving me the attention and the love that I deserve. Yes, I know what you're thinking and yes, I am not rushing things. I am going with the flow and I respect him for waiting. I respect him for giving me a chance and a choice to be happy. If it's meant to be then things will fall into place.

Thank you Papa Jesus for leading me to this wonderful person. :)

Frogs and Voldemorts

I can never love anyone as much as I love you, you are the first person to pick me up when I am down, you are the only person who notices when something is wrong with me even if I am smiling, you and I have a bond that is unbreakable - nobody knows me like you do. I like waking up in the morning, when everyone is still sleeping and watching the sun go up with you, drinking coffee, talking about my dreams and yours, talking about life. Talking about us and our family, and the way you always tell me to slow down and enjoy life. I like that you are the only person who knows the color of my eyes and the exact spot where my dimples are. I love that you know what I like and what I don't like to eat. You are an inspiration and you are the best role model a girl can ever have. I wanna be like you, mom. I can't be the best person in the world because you already own that title, but I can try, right?

You watched me fall down a lot of times and not once did I hear anyhting from you, you helped me stand again and encouraged me to move forward. You are my own version of Lily Potter, you protect me with your unconditional love from all the Voldemorts who broke my heart.

I know that you dream that I find a man who can love me and respect me and be there for me until the day I die. You always tell me to look for a man who can peel me my mangoes, who can wake up in the middle of the night and talk to me when I am in one of my odd moods, a man who can eat my leftovers, a man who is not scared to hug me and kiss me in front of other people, a man who dream my dreams, a man who can understand why I cry a lot, a man who can make me smile first thing in the morning, a man who can face dad and tell him he loves me, a man who dreams of marrying me and not just sleeping with me, a man who would not shout at me and treats me as his equal, a man who is willing to get wet just to make sure not a drop of rain touches me, a man who can hold my hand and never let go, a man who loves you and daddy and my brothers and sisters. I remember your words, mom. I do. I wish I listened to you more when I was younger, I would've been spared all the heartbreaks.

I now know you are wise beyond your years, mom. I learned the hard way to ALWAYS listen to you. I know that you are very much waiting for my prince charming to come as much as I do. Believe me, I am tired of mistaking frogs for my Prince Charming. I really am. That is why I am keeping my guard on. I know your shield is as strong as ever but I don't want to use it anymore - becasue the next time I fall inlove, it would not be to a frog or a Voldemort -- he would be the one. And you would get what you always wanted for me - everlasting happiness and beautiful, long legged babies.

So now, we wait :)

The Lump

I have been sick for latter part of July and most part August. There is something scary going on though. I have a lump on my left breast, on the lower side. I dismissed it for the duration of my downtime blaming it on the heavy coughing which I thought strained my muscles there, then after the cough was gone, I blamed it on my period. Now it is hurting like hell and I have nothing else to blame it to. I stopped wearing wired undergarments because it is too painful. 

I am not yet comfortable to share this with anyone personally, but I am scared that this might be worse than what I initially thought. I have scheduled to have it checked next week, I need to have it checked by a professional. What triggered my panic was that earlier today I woke up with my nose bleeding and it didn't stop for a while and lately I have been getting tired easily, I feel more tired than I was +15lbs earlier, and I have this insane migraines that wakes me up in the wee hours of the morning.

Please pray for me. And mom, I know you're gonna be reading this sometime soon. I didn't tell you because I am worried that we might blow things out of proportion. Baka wala naman to e. I love you.

Scarred

I am scared. Scared to open myself up to someone new. There are reservations.. a lot of reservations. I know opening my heart and giving someone an opportunity to make me feel special also means opening myself to possibility of getting hurt all over again.

I have to be careful, I need to be careful. I need to use my mind and not just my heart. Maybe I am moving to fast, maybe I shouldn't be going out just yet, maybe I should isolate myself a little bit longer. I don't know how to trust, I don't know how to stop thinking that I'll be disappointed again, I don't know when I can give myself fully to someone.. to anyone.

A nerve was hit while I was watching Friends with Benefits earlier - Just like Mila Kunis, someone I used to date, said I was too emotionally damaged. We are good now, I mean we still talk, we still go out for coffee every now and then but I pretty much made sure that we stayed friends. Just friends. I just don't like the idea of anybody calling me damaged - kahit emotionally pa yan. Then lately, I realized that maybe it is partly true, I am emotionally scarred. When someone gets too close I back off. I hide like a scared puppy. I can't help it. I really can't. 

It's too scary. Life is too scary for me right now. Love is an emotion that seems so far away. I can't believe that anyone could care for me. I just can't...

Random nanaman..

I am happy right now. It's like everyday is a new day - no pressure, no hassles, no stress.

I am smiling and laughing a lot lately. I dunno where this giddy feeling is coming from but I welcome it.

I am enjoying talking to friends - I love meaningful talks and spending time with people I just reconnected with. I like hearing stories and I like sharing my story too -- the good and the bad :)

I lost 15lbs already, I feel lighter and better and prettier(please.. hayaan nyo nako haha). I have tons of things I want to try and a lot of people willing to try it with me. On that note - I will try boxing on tuesday, need to practice my footwork and work my swings so no man can hurt me. Typing that last part was funny. hahaha

Also, I will be going to Manila Ocean Park on monday with Miguel, hoping to get good pictures. I am sure I'll have fun, fun din kasi kasama si Migs e.

I have been rekindling my love for The Scripts' music. No I can't relate to the lyrics itself but I find their songs  really witty and their storytelling is effective. As in naantig ako at lumalabas ang inner actress ko pag kumakanta sila (for those who know me, this is similar to my slide-down-the-wall-breakdown-and-cry-moment-to-craig_david's-unbelievable waaaay back in college) hahaha

**Two nights ago, I was chatting with an old college friend, here's the exact conversation we had:

N: "Lecs, Asan na ba ang puso mo ngayon?"

Me(pinatulan): "Nakabalot, nakakandado, nag-aantay ng taong magaalaga at magpapatibok ulit sa knya.. naks!"

N:"ahhhhhh.. nakabalot ng taba harhar"

---- Di ba ang supportive? I sooo love my friends hahaha

Toodles!

What you don't know about me

I love books..
I snore when I am tired..
I am a sucker for anyhting sweet..
I have 49 pairs of shoes - flats and heels!
I mumble a lot..
I like singing while walking -- alone.
I like to imagine that I am a runway model when I am nervous - don't ask me why..
I love hugs and kisses..
I'd do anything I want, anywhere!
I can talk nonstop for 24 hours, then still have the energy to go to work the next day..
I can't swim :(
I don't eat ripe mangoes
I can do bike tricks..
I dance a lot when I am in the shower..
I have a soft spot for children..
My family calls me Wesa more that Alecs..
I smile a lot -- for no reason at all.. (scary)
I don't eat anything with cookies and cream flavor -- i find the texture weird and the appearnce dirty..
I do ballroom dancing for exercise..
I stalk other people on facebook -- who doesn't? :p
I still sleep beside my mom when I go home..
I have poor eyesight - 550-525..
I appreciate talking while walking with the wind in my face..
I can mimic movie lines to a tee! :)
I am drawn to people who smile a lot..
I am chismosa.. :p
My favorite song is "You give me Something" by James Morrison.
I like to feel like a kid every now and then..
I have another blog under a different name where I publish my online novels..
I still listen to Backstreet Boys' music ..
And.. did I say that I love eating? :p

No other woman

"Ang mundo ay isang malaking Quiapo - maraming snatcher, maagawan ka! Lumaban ka!" - Carmi Martin, No other woman.

September 28, 2011. I wanna watch! hehe :)

i-am-alecs.blogspot.com

I will be reopening my old blog -- I kinda want my life to be an open book. During the ordeal that I went through with Mac and Archie it was that blog that served as my outlet, just like this one is my outlet right now. Plus, I have to admit that I like that URL better, it's sooo me. I am thinking of combining these two blogs, I'll let you know how it goes.

There are only two things that make me feel better -- blogging and singing. And as my mom always says "Anak, mag-blog ka na lang". So here I am writing my thoughts away. hehe 

It's nice reading my old blog and realizing that life is a wonderful journey, life has a way of kicking you in the ass just to make you learn and appreciate what you have. All those ass-kicking made me the person I am today -- I am not saying I am perfect, I am saying that I am a better person than I was 7 years ago. I was young and naive and innocent. Uto-uto :)

If ever my prince charming would not arrive at the age of 30, I am planning to adopt a baby. I have a house big enough for a baby girl and me to grow old together. I have too much love to give and I can't imagine not having anyone to share it with. My baby brothers and sisters would be settled by then -- they would not be needing me at that point. I would have to set them free. 

No matter what happens I am excited -- I have a backup plan already. I know a little one is deserving of a good life and a lots of love -- both of which I will strive to give :)

And the journey continues..

No, my story has not yet ended. I am still very much alive and looking for answers. I stopped blaming myself already. I stopped the pity party in my mind. I stopped thinking of the past and I started thinking of the future. I stopped loving him and started loving myself.

I no longer look behind and feel the hurt all over again. Today, when I look back I look at all the lessons I learned and all the true friends that surfaced and all the love that I felt. It makes me smile when I realize that I did not lose anything despite of the pain I went through - but he did. He lost all the friends that we have, he lost the trust of the people around him, he lost the love of my brothers and sisters, he lost a good future and he lost me. A friend told me that anybody can find a f*ck buddy anytime, anywhere but nobody can never find someone who cares and loves unconditionally just like I do. So see? I am a catch. 

I am happy right now -- not crazy happy. Just happy, which is a big leap from the miserable me a few weeks back. I counted my blessings, started all over again and made the choice to forgive and forget. 

There are a few people asking me out but nobody that I am interested with and I don't like that they just come to me like I am desperate for companionship. No I am not. I am still a girl who likes to be courted. I'd rather die than force myself to like anybody who doesn't know how to woo a girl. Jusme, naging choosy pako at this point pero parang awa naman, manligaw ng maayos. Di na tayo highschool para yayain mo ko makipagdate via text. Jusme, twagan mo man lng ako, baka i-consider pa kita. haha -- Kung tumanda man akong dalaga e at least di ako nag settle sa tao na di ako kayang tratuhin ng tama ahihi

There are two guys that are close to my heart that tells me how pretty awesome I am and they love me unconditionally -- I'd settle for them for the meantime. I love you Gio and Enzo! Thanks for making ate Wesa feel pretty every single day. I promise to take care of you guys 'til the day I die. I won't leave you and I will always be your #1 fan -- I will cheer for you always. 

I won't pretend that I don't miss having someone to talk to before I go to sleep, someone to hold hands with when walking, someone to take care of me but considering the alternative I feel contented being out of a relationship. I still dream, I still hope but I won't move fast. I will wait for the right person who could appreciate me and love me -- just me :)

Pinatatag ng panahon

Pinatatag ng panahon. That was how a friend described me. I smiled and I realized that is the biggest compliment anybody ever told me. To be appreciated as a daughter, as a sister and as a woman is a big deal to me. It empowered me and made me realize that the journey I went through was extraordinary -- It was sad, happy, painful and fulfilling at the same time. I am a better person because of everyhting that I went through in life. I wen through every obstacle and I emerged victorious. After each fall, I just stood up brushed the dirt away and moved on. I am blessed with a strong will, good friends and a happy family.

I would not trade the life I had and have to any alternative.

Anyhoo, my team went out yesterday to bond, celebrate Juancho's birthday and to celebrate my independence(words borrowed from Jeff). It was fun to be in a group of couples and be single. I am a sucker for other people's happiness, it makes me think of what is in store for me in the future. Being single made me enjoy going out more, I appreicated every person I meet and every person I interact with. People often think that I am hunting for a new lovelife - I am not. I believe in waiting and not pushing things. I believe in meeting other people  through mutual friends, but I don't believe in pushing things that are not meant to happen.

If ever I find a man --  I want somebody who can make me smile and laugh, who I can run to when I feel bad, who I can be excited to talk to when I have good news. I want someone who can protect me without stepping on my independence, someone who makes me commit mistakes and let me grow up on my own, yet still be there when I fall and get hurt. I want someone who can love my family and who has family that I can love too. I want someone who is God fearing and who respects women and older people. I want an honest man. It also wouldn't hurt that he is cute. I want someone who can be my friend, I still love the idea of growing old with a friend.

I am looking forward to what life has in store for me.

Jhun Lloyd Cruz

Funny how Papa Jesus makes me smile.. earlier when I went to do some errands, I saw a cab with the name Jhun Lloyd Cruz on the side. It was so hilarious that I had to point it out to the person waiting in line behind me. Yeah, I am that friendly! haha

Papa Jesus also has a way of making me feel pretty and grounded at the same time. I was walking around the department store earlier when a cute boy - who turned out to be gay approached me and gave me a calling card. He said he can make me a plus size model. "Mam, konting kiniskinis lng, facial-facial, pachop ang hair and practice practice kaya kitang gawing plus size model, kaya lng kelngan nyo mag-gain pa cguro ng 10lbs". hahaha hilarious! I told him "Te, parang awa mo na nagd-dieta ako.. bka ma-tempt ako sa offer mo at kumain ulit ng madami" haha :)

I am taking care of myself more, I think I recovered from weeks of being sick already. I plan to exercise and be more active the next week. Now, this is really the start of my quest to a better me.

Alone

A friend told me that I would know if I have moved on if I can be alone and be okay about it.

I was alone all night last night and early this morning -- I expected a pity party but that never happened. I am so proud of myself. I watched TV, downloaded some songs and danced. Yeah I danced all by myself to Justin Timberlake's music in high heels, in a dress and Leslie's lipliner! :)

I am not sure if I am going crazy but I am smiling a lot lately. Are my antibiotics doing this to me? haha

Well.. actually, there is something about waking up and thinking that I might bump into my Mr. Right that day. I know Papa Jesus is preparing a beautiful person for me, he's now in the oven being molded and perfected and as soon as Papa Jesus' oven dings  He would send Mr. Right my way.

I am in Papa Jesus' oven right now, too.. being cooked to His liking, and I am loving every second of it! I know He has plans for me and I will enjoy every minute of this journey. 

I was alone and I loved it. :)

Thank God for small blessings! :)

I am feeling better today - I spoke to Mommy and Tita Diane last night and I felt better.

I have been talking to people about how I feel, what I went through and how I am coping up. Everyone is sympathetic, everyone is surprised, shocked and angry. Sharing with people is like therapy for me, the more I share - the more indifferent I feel. It's like breaking a piece of my pain and throwing it away each time I talk. I am proud of where I stand right now.

When this thing started there was only five people that I talked to. Five people who knew what I was going through. They listened, they provided their thoughts and they were the best support group ever. They were a text, a call or an IM away. I am blessed to have them.

My sister was telling me that I don't look like I'm dying anymore(sigh of relief). My cough is slowly getting better and I am laughing more. I am happy that Papa Jesus gives me a reason to laugh and to smile each day. Earlier I was talking to somebody I least expected that I can open up to. I appreciate the subtle way he shook me up - he made me realize that I am becoming a negative person and that won't help me in any way. Self pity should never overpower me again. Ever. He was the person who got to me today. He spoke at the right time and the right moment, just when my heart and mind were ready to listen. Papa Jesus, thanks for making Washaley empower me. After talking to him - I felt uplifted.

Another surprise was a friend request from Gani - Tin's friend. I dunno why - but I was laughing the whole time I was hovering over the confirm button. It was a welcome distraction. A private joke between Tin and I. These small blessings makes things lighter and better and easier.

Tomorrow is another day. I am a living proof that when God closes a door, He opens hundreds of different windows of blessings! Have a fruitful day everybody -- SMILE. :)

The lost soul

I am over him. Yeah - it happened fast -- thanks to more than a month of thinking and the support of friends and family.

I thought I am okay. I was surprised when suddenly I cried. yeah - I am pathetic. 

I feel ugly and alone and unwanted. 

My confidence is low and when I am alone I think and think and think. No, I am not thinking of Archie. I am thinking of how people leave me, or cheat on me. What did I do to deserve all those heartbreaks? 

I am scared to move forward but I have to, I don't know what is in store for me but I know that I have to show people that I can go through this - I owe that to my family, and to the people who supported me every step of the way.

Tomorrow is another day. I hope and pray that I would be my old self again. I am the lost soul now, I wish someday someone would come save me.

The return of the comeback - LOL

The weirdest thing happened. I was chatting with my favorite antibiotic earlier -- yes tintin, that is you **hugs** when all of a sudden somebody sent me a message via YM -- Mac. Yes, the same Mac who was my boyfriend before Archie. I am stumped. really stumped! He said "Hi, did you miss me?" I ignored it, thinking it might be his gf using his account but then I saw the YM ID, it was our ID, the one we used to chat before. The one with a meaning that only we knew. The one whose password I changed to my default password when we broke up.

Okay - so despite my better judgement and out of curiosity, I pinged him back. I said "Hi". The he said I was the only person who understood him from the very beginning. He said he was sorry for the trouble he caused before and that he wishes I am good despite of the breakup. Breakup??? how did he knew Archie and I broke up??! It was getting creepier and creepier, he then asked if I am okay and if I wanted to meet up so he can listen to me. I told him to go home to his wife and 3month old kid and leave me alone. 

It was insulting - did he think that just because I was vulnerable that I would jump on a chance to go back to him?! The nerve. **eyes rolling**

On the other hand Tintin is trying to hook me up with Gani - his bestfriend who is two years younger than me. lol. It was fun, i forgot how it was like to be single. I forgot how it was to prowl haha

No - I am not rushing into another relationship, but I am eager to meet new people. Cute, lovable people for that matter. LOL! I forgot how to live without anything on my mind, not worrying about Archie - what he is doing, who he is with. This might be a baby step to recovery and I still have a long way to go. 

I still think about him, every now and then -- I can't help it. I see him as the lost soul that he was when I first met him. I just pray that he will be okay too. I want everybody to be happy. Nobody deserves to go through the pain and sadness that I went through - even Archie. If I have a super power I wish could have the ability to take away pain from other people.

I wrote the last blog entry so I can get on with my life and I am starting to do that. I am not my old self yet but there are a lot of people helping me to cope. The support of the people that loves me keeps me going. After five torturous weeks, I am finally laughing and smiling again.. I am moving forward.. I have given myself this day to recover. The only thing that is missing is a good night's sleep. Tomorrow is another day :)

My final words

The story started not from the time that he cheated. The story started way before that.

The story started from the moment we smiled at each other back in February of 2009. I just came from a very bad relationship then and he came from one too.  From the moment I saw him I knew right from the start that we were destined to be with each other. I was drawn to him; he was a soul that I needed to rescue.  His eyes were sad, his actions withdrawn. He was unhappy. Then I saw the effect I had on him, I made him smile, I made him happy and when he looks at me I knew I was doing something good, he would thank me with just his stare, his boyish stare.

Our relationship wasn’t a walk in the park – trouble came from every direction. And it was a typical you-and-me-against-the-world relationship. It wasn’t ideal and people often tell me that I deserve more but I chose to be with him. No - he didn’t beg me to stay, he didn’t force me to be with him. He let me decide on my own and I respected him for that. Despite everything that’s happening, despite the situation, despite the negativity in our relationship he made me feel special and secure and most importantly, he made me feel loved.

He knows how to nourish a relationship. He was the sweetest thing.  If ever there was something bothering me he would send tiny gifts – a piece of rose, a note, chocolates, snacks. If ever I feel the pressure of his annulment he would shower me with affection, more than enough to make me focus on the goals we have. I always think that we have a life to plan, and lives to fix. He was the closest thing that I got to forever.

We had names for our kids.. We often just hold each other and everything would be better. We were invincible, we were happy, we were contented. He was a good “kuya” to my brothers and sisters; he was a good provider to me and to his family. I had nothing more to ask. I was contented. I was happy I was living my own version of happily ever after. The moment I met his family I was instantly at home, they are the best people ever. They welcomed me, they fed me, and they treated me like I am part of the family already. I love his nieces and nephews, they reminded me of myself when I was growing up. His parents were the greatest gift from God, they appreciated my love for him and they were happy that Archie has someone who loves him like I do. I was in heaven. I knew from that moment that I wanted to be with him despite everything.

Archie has a thing for surprises; he would surprise me with the smallest things, with notes, and food or even with a big kiss when we meet after work. He would hold me and tell me he misses me. He has a thing for poetry too – loved the way he would make ordinary words sound beautiful and meaningful.

There was a time in 2009 when Jaja and Geoff got married and I was the bridesmaid – he brought me flowers and told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world, and I felt that I was. It was normal for us to be just together from that moment on.

Then I moved to a different company – he made sure we see each other every single day. We travelled together, we travelled with friends.. We were happy. There was a time when we went to Baguio on whim. We walked the streets, we bought Baguio’s specialties, we took pictures—yeah we played tourists – we were two people in love.

We shared problems and we tried our best to find solutions. I could not count the number times when he saved me from decisions that I would regret. He would comfort me when I feel sad and alone and lost. He made me the mature woman I am today. He is the reason why I think straight under pressure, he is also the reason why learned to drink coffee very now and then.

Archie is smart. He knows stuff that other people don’t know. He is like a walking encyclopedia. He is a good cook and most of the time he cooks for my brothers and sisters. He knows the best places to eat and if he eats in places I’ve never been at – he always brings something home for me.

Over the course of two years, we both became comfortable with each other; we became best of friends in the process. I loved the idea of spending forever with a friend. I really did.

We had a good time together - he was one person who appreciates my childlike quality - he likes it when I imitate commercials or when I do anything I want to do. He laughs with me not at me.. fun times :) Sometimes we just laugh with no reason at all.. we were crazy like that. He would tickle me and make laugh til I am out of breath. Then he would tickle me again. He waits for moments in movies where I am gonna cry -- then laugh like a villain while I am trying hard not to cry haha

The two years that we were together we did fight, and it was nasty. I said things that I wish I could’ve taken back. I regretted the moments when I did some things intentionally to hurt him. I am like that when I am angry. I am not proud of it. I wish some things did not happen at all, but going through that is part of relationship. It is part of growing up. He is quiet when we fight – he is the mature one. The funny thing is he makes me feel like a child when we fight. He has his way of making sense of things.

He made me a better person than I was two years ago, and I hope and pray that our relationship made him a better person, too.

Yes, he cheated. I’d like to think that he is sorry. I don’t know the true story with everything that everyone is feeding me. But I do know that when he was supposed to be with me he was with Raz, and I did know that he chose to be with her. Am I hurt? Yes. But I don’t dwell on the hurt anymore. I dwell on the memories, on the fun parts. I don’t want to waste 2 years of my life.. So I am taking the good and I am throwing away the bad. I won’t elaborate the facts anymore. I don’t want to elaborate anymore. It is an open and shut case, and he is guilty.

Have I forgiven him – yes. But we are not friends anymore. The trust is lost, but that doesn't mean we can never be friends again. Just not now.. not today. not when I am healing.

I know if ever he is given the chance to go back in time – he wouldn’t hurt me. I know him enough to be sure of that. I know he would have taken the less painful way of just telling me he found somebody new. I believe that there is still good in him.

Whenever I pray at night, I include him in my prayers – I hope he finds the contentment and happiness that he did not find in me. A lot of people have been seeing them together, holding hands.. walking together. I just wish that Raz could love him the way I did. I wish that life would be easier for them than it was for us. I hope that Archie learns how to talk to God and ask for forgiveness for the people he hurt. I pray that he gets to go to mass every Sunday.

I forgive them both. I threw away all the bitterness and all the hate the moment I felt the hands of people behind me when I fell down and got hurt. Those hands pushed me back up and made me feel like I can conquer anything. And for the last time, Archie made me a better stronger. He is special that way.

It did not end well but we all learned from it. It doesn’t matter who cheated. What matters is that we are all doing something to make things go back to normal. We are making efforts to make each other happy even if we are apart. I have given him his freedom because I know he would be happier that way. I forgave him because I know he would feel better that way. And I know that deep inside his heart he wishes for me to be happy too.

I have all his notes and all his gifts and everything he gave me. It still makes me smile the way we went through life together. It is time to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and go on. I will cherish every memory and live without regret.

Let us be happy because Archie is happy -- not everybody can be winners after a breakup. It just so happened that he was the first one to admit that we should move on. We should be happy that he is on his way to his happily ever after. I will have my own happily ever.. let's all look forward to that.

He was the closest thing I had to forever. Let’s all remember how he made me happy and how he fought for me. This was my biggest heartbreak – but being with Archie for 2 years was worth it. He was worth the pain. So let’s all move forward and think of happy thoughts.  The story did not start from the time he cheated. The story started from the time he loved me and I loved him back. That is the important part. Let’s all heal together.  

To my friends:

Okay so he said he needed time, I don't know how long he needs or if it's permanent. There is still no closure on my end. Of course, I am hurt. Of course, I am surprised. Of course, I am confused.

After professing his love the day before, after telling me that he loves me and he wants me in his life, he decided to make things official - he asked for space. The universal way of saying we are over.

We brought out the worst in each other -- of course I love him, of course I would have done things differently. I would have traded worldly things to be with him -- happiness takes precedence over worldly possessions. I am the kind of person who can do anything for love.. The funny things is that I was talking to my mom last night - she has accepted Chicco she was the one convincing me to talk to Chicco.. but how could I talk to somebody who needs space?

The irony of the matter is that my family loves him - Dane, Enzo, Gio and my parents were devastated. They thought what we had was forever and they saw the love that Chicco has for me. They said that despite his shortcomings and despite his situation he made time for me and made me special. They were talking about the concern and the love he has shown towards them. They asked me to make it work, to try once more.. but how can I force myself on somebody who needs space? 

I appreciate other people's insights. I appreciate that people feel that I was wronged, that I didn't deserve him and the pain that this relationship gave me towards the end. I just want my friends who reads this blog - 14 of you people who are closest to my heart that I am not blaming anybody. I am not playing the blame game. The relationship took a wrong turn because of the two of us. Not because of him, not because of me, but because of the two of us.

I accepted him from the start -- I accepted his situation and the possible outcome. I accepted that maybe our version of a happily ever after is different from the norm. He was my prince charming, he protected me every way possible, he did everything to right what was wrong in this situation. And we were happy. That is what matters. I regret nothing - I was at my happiest the past 2 years. Everyday was a memory worth keeping. I can say that this was a relationship that I would have fought for 'til the end. He didn't force me to be with him because he knew from the start that there is a 50-50 chance that things won't go our way. I was the one who chose to be with him from the very beginning. I repeat the last 2 years were the happiest in my 27 years of existence, I was a girlfriend, a friend, a partner all in one. Roles that I happily portrayed. 

I am not justifying anything that he did. I am just saying that people only hear my side of the story. There are a lot of things that I'd rather keep private and here is all I can say I respected him as a father, as a provider and as my partner.. I still do.. and of all the relationships I have been in this was the most fulfilling one. I was happy. I am still -- in a contented kind of way. Whether together or not I am praying that things will go our way because I know that we both deserve to be happy.

Talking to other people made me realize that he was going through something - something that I didn't understand and something he'd rather keep from me. I see him now in a different light. No hate, no regrets, no negativity. He is the best thing that ever happened to me despite how we ended up. He was the happiness that I deserve and he was the man that I needed. Those are things that we need to keep in mind. Things that other people won;t understand because even though you were aware of what's happening you weren't there every single day of our life together. And I assure you, he was as much of a blessing to me as I was to him. We were meant to happen.

I don't know where life will lead me from now.. Everyday without him is a struggle. Every minute that I am itching to contact him is a battle. Every minute to just go to him and hug him and tell him everything will be okay is war brewing in my mind. I want to let him go as he asked. I want him to find himself again. I am sincerely rooting for him to succeed in whatever endeavor he is facing. There are a lot of things that needs to be taken care of, a lot of things to settle.. but I am not strong enough to face him. In time, when we are both ready to face each other we will settle everything and talk. The relationship that we had is special and I know that we both should have the decency to talk and forgive and pick the pieces that we left behind. We are not teenagers anymore. We will settle this in the most mature manner that we can.

When I say I am okay that means I am surviving each day and soon I will have the closure that I need. That closure would mark the start of a better life for me. 

Don't worry I am okay :)

The quest for a better me

6 Rules to a BETTER life: 


➀ Never hate  -- check! 
➁ Live simply --check!
➂ Expect a little -- check!
➃ Give a lot -- check!
➄ Always smile - check!
➅ Live with love -- check! check!


** I know that at the moment there are are trials in my life.. but I am strong.. I will be strong.. and when the time comes that my prince charming comes and picks me up.. we will happy.. together..


I am not closing my doors but I am opening tons of windows.. I still believe in true love and I still believe in happily ever afters.. 


I am not happy at the moment.. but I will be contented with what I have.. 


I will be strong.. I will be strong.. 

From a friend:

I Will Be Strong

So strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind. It doesn’t mean I won’t cry, it means I’m daring to cry and be willing to carry on after that. It doesn’t mean I’m avoiding truth, it means accepting it, learning from it and dealing with it head on. Strong enough to have the capability and courage to stand persistently despite the blows of change. I will be too large for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

I Will Be the Master of My Emotions

Unless my mood is right the day will be a failure. I will master my emotions so that every day is a happy and productive day. Every day, I will be happy. I will do this by choosing happiness. If I wake up and I feel sad, I will sing or listen to songs of positivity and happiness. It will not only entertain me but will help me shift my mood back to positivity. If I feel sad, I will laugh. I’ll watch comedy movies or read funny comics. If I feel ill, I will double my labor. If I feel poverty, I will think of wealth to come. If I feel incompetent, I will remember my past successes. If I fear, I will move one step forward. If I feel insignificant, I will remember my goals. I will always remember that misery is a choice, the same as happiness.

I Will Laugh at the World

I will always remember to never allow myself to become so important, so wise, so dignified, so powerful, that I forget to laugh at myself and the world. For I know that only with laughter and happiness can I truly become a success and enjoy the fruit of my labours. As long as I can laugh, I will not be poor. On the other hand, I will not expect the world be the first to treat me rightfully, cheerfully and respectfully, but instead I will begin with myself and treat others the same. I will wear a cheerful face at all times and give every living creature I meet a smile. I will be just as enthusiastic and happy about the success of others as I am about my own.

I will act now

I will remember that all my dreams are worthless, my plans and goals are impossible, all are of no value unless I follow them with action. My goals are a living action. I will not avoid the task of today and charge them to tomorrow for I know tomorrow never comes.. I will act now even though my actions may not bring happiness or success , for it is better to act and fail than not to act and struggle. Tomorrow is a day reserved for the labor of the lazy, and I am not lazy. This is my time, this is my place and I am the man.

Remember, that change doesn’t happen overnight, as well as success and happiness does not. It happens through continuous habits and actions that brings prosperity, success and happiness in life. You may not have them now, but you can, if you just constantly promise yourself in improving the habits, mindset and attitudes in your day to day approach with life.

What's happening at 4 o'clock in the morning

He was calling me all throughout the day and he even called to say goodnight when he knew I was going to sleep. Is that effort enough? It kinda is, but then again I am not satisfied. I will give him time and see how things go -- I don't know what it is but there's something missing, there is a nagging voice inside of me that makes me want more from him.

Oh well, right now I wanna sleep and sleep and sleep but I can't, too many things still on my mind. Things to do to improve myself. I know this post is kinda random, but as I've said -- too many things running on my mind. I definitely needed this week to myself.

Don't get me wrong, but I am okay -- in a weird drug addict way :)

So what happened?

We talked and I asked him how we should move forward - I wanted to hear what he really wants and I want to feel if being with me is what his heart dictates. I have to admit that I missed talking to him, the way he listens and makes me feel mature and the way he makes sense of my ramblings. Seeing him after 3 days of letting things cool down made me realize that I love him still. The question is, does he feel the same way too?

Seeing him also reminded me of the pain - it was like cold water was running down my back. It wasn't easy. He couldn't look me in the eye at first, he didn't make a move to hold me, he just stared at me then smiled, I smiled back and then I realized that he was really sorry. No matter what happened, no matter what mistake he made, no matter what he did and what he didn't do before what matters is right now. I understood that he was lost, he felt lost. I know it does not justify anything he did, it doesn't make what happened right but what felt right was fixing what was broken.

I told him that this was not gonna be an easy road. I want him to make an effort to earn back the trust that was lost. I could go into details but it would take a day to write what was talked about.

We agreed to start over and no I haven't forgotten what happened, but yes I forgive him. We decided to not see each other 'til Saturday. Just to give time for both of us to see more clearly. I want both of us to be sure that this is the path we want and that we both see each other in our future.

I saw the heart of the man who did not intend to hurt. I pray that we can get over this. Is the relationship worth saving? -- yes. 

I pray to God that what I saw in Chicco is real. I pray that he can live up to his word. I pray.. I pray..

Think Positive!

Mistake is an instrument to make people change.

I still cry..

..when you tell me you love me..

Should I forgive, rebuild and move on?

Am I making excuses for him? Am I being stupid? I am so confused.

Questions that will remain unanswered until later when we see each other and talk..

From a blog I was reading:
"He needs to work HARD at rebuilding the trust he destroyed. He needs to be proactive on this - not you. You will trust naturally when you realize that his behavior warrants it."

The cycle goes on..

I am scared
I am confused
I am insecure
I am unhappy
I am happy
I am a nervous wreck
I am feeling numb
I am always on the verge of tears
I am sorry
I am thinking a lot
I am sleepless
I am hungry but I can't eat
I am hopeful
I am loved
I am going crazy
I am a zombie
I am barely breathing
I am forgiving
I am hoping for your happiness..
and I am gonna decide. TODAY.

Beautiful as you - All 4 one

Yeah -- after everything that's happening with my life right now. I am still hoping for an everlasting love.. A love worth waiting and a love worth saving.. Someone who would tell me that I am beautiful not because that is what I want to hear, but because that is how he sees me-- no matter what, who would think of me every single second of the day, who would love me despite my shortcomings and who would accept me.. for me :) 

:(

Kahit di mo sabihin
Aking napapansin
Di na kita pipilitin
Dahil di mo naman aaminin

Nagbago ang higpit ng yakap mo
Nagbago rin kung paano mo tawagin ang pangalan ko
Ang halik mo’y nagbago
Di ko alam bakit nagkaganito

Chorus:

Kahit na hindi mo sabihin pa
Nararamdaman kong ayaw mo na
Ayaw mo nang magpatuloy pa
Kahit na sabihing mahal pa kita
Walang magagawa kung ayaw mo na
Paano na
Di ko kayang mag-isa

Kahit di mo sabihin
Damang-dama pa rin
Wala na ang kislap ng yong mata
Tuwing ikaw ay kasama
Wala na ang dating saya
Yakap mo ay kaylamig na
Dating sigla sana’y mapalitan

Repeat Chorus

Paanong pipigilan ang nararamdaman

Repeat Chorus

Paano na
Di ko kayang mag-isa

I want to feel like this again..

Fairytales always have happy endings and no matter what happens to Chicco and me, I will still look for my happily ever after..

I am no longer hurting.. I am now prepared..

I was talking to D and M earlier trying to figure out what was wrong with me and my situation then I realized that that was my rainbow in this cloudy day -- I am happy I have friends I can call anytime of the day whenever I need ears to listen to bits of telenovelas I call my life. I am lucky that I have two people who know my life inside out and is willing to tell me upfront what they think, I love them both for that.

Anyhoo, I am writing this with no sleep for almost 36 hours, emotions are high, tears flowing, and my mind working faster than the speed of light. M is my angel, she speaks her mind in her soft voice and she makes me feel loved just by listening and being the sidekick that I needed. She is mad when I am mad, she is happy when I am happy, and I can feel her pain when I cry. She is perfect in every way possible. She made me calm down and think straight and plan on what needs to be done, she prepared me for the worst but we both hope for the best. D on the other hand is direct to the point, he asked me questions that made me realize that I might be overreacting, that I need to talk, that we need to straighten things out.. And then out of the blue, I realized my insecurities, why I am so paranoid.. I don't feel beautiful anymore, I gained 15 freakin' pounds since January, and since then we didn't go out as much, we didn't bond, we didn't talk, we let our relationship go down the drain just because I was scared of what people might think of my size.

Now I know what to do, I need to forgive myself and take care of myself more. I can't love anybody else if I can't love myself. And I am taking the first step on Monday. I will love myself. Then we will try to fix the broken pieces of our relationship and if it is no longer fixable then I should move forward with no regrets because I know that I did everything humanly possible to get back my happily ever after.

And to the best combination of friends that a person can wish for -- D and M, thank you.. and I love you..