Pinatatag ng panahon

Pinatatag ng panahon. That was how a friend described me. I smiled and I realized that is the biggest compliment anybody ever told me. To be appreciated as a daughter, as a sister and as a woman is a big deal to me. It empowered me and made me realize that the journey I went through was extraordinary -- It was sad, happy, painful and fulfilling at the same time. I am a better person because of everyhting that I went through in life. I wen through every obstacle and I emerged victorious. After each fall, I just stood up brushed the dirt away and moved on. I am blessed with a strong will, good friends and a happy family.

I would not trade the life I had and have to any alternative.

Anyhoo, my team went out yesterday to bond, celebrate Juancho's birthday and to celebrate my independence(words borrowed from Jeff). It was fun to be in a group of couples and be single. I am a sucker for other people's happiness, it makes me think of what is in store for me in the future. Being single made me enjoy going out more, I appreicated every person I meet and every person I interact with. People often think that I am hunting for a new lovelife - I am not. I believe in waiting and not pushing things. I believe in meeting other people  through mutual friends, but I don't believe in pushing things that are not meant to happen.

If ever I find a man --  I want somebody who can make me smile and laugh, who I can run to when I feel bad, who I can be excited to talk to when I have good news. I want someone who can protect me without stepping on my independence, someone who makes me commit mistakes and let me grow up on my own, yet still be there when I fall and get hurt. I want someone who can love my family and who has family that I can love too. I want someone who is God fearing and who respects women and older people. I want an honest man. It also wouldn't hurt that he is cute. I want someone who can be my friend, I still love the idea of growing old with a friend.

I am looking forward to what life has in store for me.

Jhun Lloyd Cruz

Funny how Papa Jesus makes me smile.. earlier when I went to do some errands, I saw a cab with the name Jhun Lloyd Cruz on the side. It was so hilarious that I had to point it out to the person waiting in line behind me. Yeah, I am that friendly! haha

Papa Jesus also has a way of making me feel pretty and grounded at the same time. I was walking around the department store earlier when a cute boy - who turned out to be gay approached me and gave me a calling card. He said he can make me a plus size model. "Mam, konting kiniskinis lng, facial-facial, pachop ang hair and practice practice kaya kitang gawing plus size model, kaya lng kelngan nyo mag-gain pa cguro ng 10lbs". hahaha hilarious! I told him "Te, parang awa mo na nagd-dieta ako.. bka ma-tempt ako sa offer mo at kumain ulit ng madami" haha :)

I am taking care of myself more, I think I recovered from weeks of being sick already. I plan to exercise and be more active the next week. Now, this is really the start of my quest to a better me.

Alone

A friend told me that I would know if I have moved on if I can be alone and be okay about it.

I was alone all night last night and early this morning -- I expected a pity party but that never happened. I am so proud of myself. I watched TV, downloaded some songs and danced. Yeah I danced all by myself to Justin Timberlake's music in high heels, in a dress and Leslie's lipliner! :)

I am not sure if I am going crazy but I am smiling a lot lately. Are my antibiotics doing this to me? haha

Well.. actually, there is something about waking up and thinking that I might bump into my Mr. Right that day. I know Papa Jesus is preparing a beautiful person for me, he's now in the oven being molded and perfected and as soon as Papa Jesus' oven dings  He would send Mr. Right my way.

I am in Papa Jesus' oven right now, too.. being cooked to His liking, and I am loving every second of it! I know He has plans for me and I will enjoy every minute of this journey. 

I was alone and I loved it. :)

Thank God for small blessings! :)

I am feeling better today - I spoke to Mommy and Tita Diane last night and I felt better.

I have been talking to people about how I feel, what I went through and how I am coping up. Everyone is sympathetic, everyone is surprised, shocked and angry. Sharing with people is like therapy for me, the more I share - the more indifferent I feel. It's like breaking a piece of my pain and throwing it away each time I talk. I am proud of where I stand right now.

When this thing started there was only five people that I talked to. Five people who knew what I was going through. They listened, they provided their thoughts and they were the best support group ever. They were a text, a call or an IM away. I am blessed to have them.

My sister was telling me that I don't look like I'm dying anymore(sigh of relief). My cough is slowly getting better and I am laughing more. I am happy that Papa Jesus gives me a reason to laugh and to smile each day. Earlier I was talking to somebody I least expected that I can open up to. I appreciate the subtle way he shook me up - he made me realize that I am becoming a negative person and that won't help me in any way. Self pity should never overpower me again. Ever. He was the person who got to me today. He spoke at the right time and the right moment, just when my heart and mind were ready to listen. Papa Jesus, thanks for making Washaley empower me. After talking to him - I felt uplifted.

Another surprise was a friend request from Gani - Tin's friend. I dunno why - but I was laughing the whole time I was hovering over the confirm button. It was a welcome distraction. A private joke between Tin and I. These small blessings makes things lighter and better and easier.

Tomorrow is another day. I am a living proof that when God closes a door, He opens hundreds of different windows of blessings! Have a fruitful day everybody -- SMILE. :)

The lost soul

I am over him. Yeah - it happened fast -- thanks to more than a month of thinking and the support of friends and family.

I thought I am okay. I was surprised when suddenly I cried. yeah - I am pathetic. 

I feel ugly and alone and unwanted. 

My confidence is low and when I am alone I think and think and think. No, I am not thinking of Archie. I am thinking of how people leave me, or cheat on me. What did I do to deserve all those heartbreaks? 

I am scared to move forward but I have to, I don't know what is in store for me but I know that I have to show people that I can go through this - I owe that to my family, and to the people who supported me every step of the way.

Tomorrow is another day. I hope and pray that I would be my old self again. I am the lost soul now, I wish someday someone would come save me.

The return of the comeback - LOL

The weirdest thing happened. I was chatting with my favorite antibiotic earlier -- yes tintin, that is you **hugs** when all of a sudden somebody sent me a message via YM -- Mac. Yes, the same Mac who was my boyfriend before Archie. I am stumped. really stumped! He said "Hi, did you miss me?" I ignored it, thinking it might be his gf using his account but then I saw the YM ID, it was our ID, the one we used to chat before. The one with a meaning that only we knew. The one whose password I changed to my default password when we broke up.

Okay - so despite my better judgement and out of curiosity, I pinged him back. I said "Hi". The he said I was the only person who understood him from the very beginning. He said he was sorry for the trouble he caused before and that he wishes I am good despite of the breakup. Breakup??? how did he knew Archie and I broke up??! It was getting creepier and creepier, he then asked if I am okay and if I wanted to meet up so he can listen to me. I told him to go home to his wife and 3month old kid and leave me alone. 

It was insulting - did he think that just because I was vulnerable that I would jump on a chance to go back to him?! The nerve. **eyes rolling**

On the other hand Tintin is trying to hook me up with Gani - his bestfriend who is two years younger than me. lol. It was fun, i forgot how it was like to be single. I forgot how it was to prowl haha

No - I am not rushing into another relationship, but I am eager to meet new people. Cute, lovable people for that matter. LOL! I forgot how to live without anything on my mind, not worrying about Archie - what he is doing, who he is with. This might be a baby step to recovery and I still have a long way to go. 

I still think about him, every now and then -- I can't help it. I see him as the lost soul that he was when I first met him. I just pray that he will be okay too. I want everybody to be happy. Nobody deserves to go through the pain and sadness that I went through - even Archie. If I have a super power I wish could have the ability to take away pain from other people.

I wrote the last blog entry so I can get on with my life and I am starting to do that. I am not my old self yet but there are a lot of people helping me to cope. The support of the people that loves me keeps me going. After five torturous weeks, I am finally laughing and smiling again.. I am moving forward.. I have given myself this day to recover. The only thing that is missing is a good night's sleep. Tomorrow is another day :)

My final words

The story started not from the time that he cheated. The story started way before that.

The story started from the moment we smiled at each other back in February of 2009. I just came from a very bad relationship then and he came from one too.  From the moment I saw him I knew right from the start that we were destined to be with each other. I was drawn to him; he was a soul that I needed to rescue.  His eyes were sad, his actions withdrawn. He was unhappy. Then I saw the effect I had on him, I made him smile, I made him happy and when he looks at me I knew I was doing something good, he would thank me with just his stare, his boyish stare.

Our relationship wasn’t a walk in the park – trouble came from every direction. And it was a typical you-and-me-against-the-world relationship. It wasn’t ideal and people often tell me that I deserve more but I chose to be with him. No - he didn’t beg me to stay, he didn’t force me to be with him. He let me decide on my own and I respected him for that. Despite everything that’s happening, despite the situation, despite the negativity in our relationship he made me feel special and secure and most importantly, he made me feel loved.

He knows how to nourish a relationship. He was the sweetest thing.  If ever there was something bothering me he would send tiny gifts – a piece of rose, a note, chocolates, snacks. If ever I feel the pressure of his annulment he would shower me with affection, more than enough to make me focus on the goals we have. I always think that we have a life to plan, and lives to fix. He was the closest thing that I got to forever.

We had names for our kids.. We often just hold each other and everything would be better. We were invincible, we were happy, we were contented. He was a good “kuya” to my brothers and sisters; he was a good provider to me and to his family. I had nothing more to ask. I was contented. I was happy I was living my own version of happily ever after. The moment I met his family I was instantly at home, they are the best people ever. They welcomed me, they fed me, and they treated me like I am part of the family already. I love his nieces and nephews, they reminded me of myself when I was growing up. His parents were the greatest gift from God, they appreciated my love for him and they were happy that Archie has someone who loves him like I do. I was in heaven. I knew from that moment that I wanted to be with him despite everything.

Archie has a thing for surprises; he would surprise me with the smallest things, with notes, and food or even with a big kiss when we meet after work. He would hold me and tell me he misses me. He has a thing for poetry too – loved the way he would make ordinary words sound beautiful and meaningful.

There was a time in 2009 when Jaja and Geoff got married and I was the bridesmaid – he brought me flowers and told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world, and I felt that I was. It was normal for us to be just together from that moment on.

Then I moved to a different company – he made sure we see each other every single day. We travelled together, we travelled with friends.. We were happy. There was a time when we went to Baguio on whim. We walked the streets, we bought Baguio’s specialties, we took pictures—yeah we played tourists – we were two people in love.

We shared problems and we tried our best to find solutions. I could not count the number times when he saved me from decisions that I would regret. He would comfort me when I feel sad and alone and lost. He made me the mature woman I am today. He is the reason why I think straight under pressure, he is also the reason why learned to drink coffee very now and then.

Archie is smart. He knows stuff that other people don’t know. He is like a walking encyclopedia. He is a good cook and most of the time he cooks for my brothers and sisters. He knows the best places to eat and if he eats in places I’ve never been at – he always brings something home for me.

Over the course of two years, we both became comfortable with each other; we became best of friends in the process. I loved the idea of spending forever with a friend. I really did.

We had a good time together - he was one person who appreciates my childlike quality - he likes it when I imitate commercials or when I do anything I want to do. He laughs with me not at me.. fun times :) Sometimes we just laugh with no reason at all.. we were crazy like that. He would tickle me and make laugh til I am out of breath. Then he would tickle me again. He waits for moments in movies where I am gonna cry -- then laugh like a villain while I am trying hard not to cry haha

The two years that we were together we did fight, and it was nasty. I said things that I wish I could’ve taken back. I regretted the moments when I did some things intentionally to hurt him. I am like that when I am angry. I am not proud of it. I wish some things did not happen at all, but going through that is part of relationship. It is part of growing up. He is quiet when we fight – he is the mature one. The funny thing is he makes me feel like a child when we fight. He has his way of making sense of things.

He made me a better person than I was two years ago, and I hope and pray that our relationship made him a better person, too.

Yes, he cheated. I’d like to think that he is sorry. I don’t know the true story with everything that everyone is feeding me. But I do know that when he was supposed to be with me he was with Raz, and I did know that he chose to be with her. Am I hurt? Yes. But I don’t dwell on the hurt anymore. I dwell on the memories, on the fun parts. I don’t want to waste 2 years of my life.. So I am taking the good and I am throwing away the bad. I won’t elaborate the facts anymore. I don’t want to elaborate anymore. It is an open and shut case, and he is guilty.

Have I forgiven him – yes. But we are not friends anymore. The trust is lost, but that doesn't mean we can never be friends again. Just not now.. not today. not when I am healing.

I know if ever he is given the chance to go back in time – he wouldn’t hurt me. I know him enough to be sure of that. I know he would have taken the less painful way of just telling me he found somebody new. I believe that there is still good in him.

Whenever I pray at night, I include him in my prayers – I hope he finds the contentment and happiness that he did not find in me. A lot of people have been seeing them together, holding hands.. walking together. I just wish that Raz could love him the way I did. I wish that life would be easier for them than it was for us. I hope that Archie learns how to talk to God and ask for forgiveness for the people he hurt. I pray that he gets to go to mass every Sunday.

I forgive them both. I threw away all the bitterness and all the hate the moment I felt the hands of people behind me when I fell down and got hurt. Those hands pushed me back up and made me feel like I can conquer anything. And for the last time, Archie made me a better stronger. He is special that way.

It did not end well but we all learned from it. It doesn’t matter who cheated. What matters is that we are all doing something to make things go back to normal. We are making efforts to make each other happy even if we are apart. I have given him his freedom because I know he would be happier that way. I forgave him because I know he would feel better that way. And I know that deep inside his heart he wishes for me to be happy too.

I have all his notes and all his gifts and everything he gave me. It still makes me smile the way we went through life together. It is time to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and go on. I will cherish every memory and live without regret.

Let us be happy because Archie is happy -- not everybody can be winners after a breakup. It just so happened that he was the first one to admit that we should move on. We should be happy that he is on his way to his happily ever after. I will have my own happily ever.. let's all look forward to that.

He was the closest thing I had to forever. Let’s all remember how he made me happy and how he fought for me. This was my biggest heartbreak – but being with Archie for 2 years was worth it. He was worth the pain. So let’s all move forward and think of happy thoughts.  The story did not start from the time he cheated. The story started from the time he loved me and I loved him back. That is the important part. Let’s all heal together.  

To my friends:

Okay so he said he needed time, I don't know how long he needs or if it's permanent. There is still no closure on my end. Of course, I am hurt. Of course, I am surprised. Of course, I am confused.

After professing his love the day before, after telling me that he loves me and he wants me in his life, he decided to make things official - he asked for space. The universal way of saying we are over.

We brought out the worst in each other -- of course I love him, of course I would have done things differently. I would have traded worldly things to be with him -- happiness takes precedence over worldly possessions. I am the kind of person who can do anything for love.. The funny things is that I was talking to my mom last night - she has accepted Chicco she was the one convincing me to talk to Chicco.. but how could I talk to somebody who needs space?

The irony of the matter is that my family loves him - Dane, Enzo, Gio and my parents were devastated. They thought what we had was forever and they saw the love that Chicco has for me. They said that despite his shortcomings and despite his situation he made time for me and made me special. They were talking about the concern and the love he has shown towards them. They asked me to make it work, to try once more.. but how can I force myself on somebody who needs space? 

I appreciate other people's insights. I appreciate that people feel that I was wronged, that I didn't deserve him and the pain that this relationship gave me towards the end. I just want my friends who reads this blog - 14 of you people who are closest to my heart that I am not blaming anybody. I am not playing the blame game. The relationship took a wrong turn because of the two of us. Not because of him, not because of me, but because of the two of us.

I accepted him from the start -- I accepted his situation and the possible outcome. I accepted that maybe our version of a happily ever after is different from the norm. He was my prince charming, he protected me every way possible, he did everything to right what was wrong in this situation. And we were happy. That is what matters. I regret nothing - I was at my happiest the past 2 years. Everyday was a memory worth keeping. I can say that this was a relationship that I would have fought for 'til the end. He didn't force me to be with him because he knew from the start that there is a 50-50 chance that things won't go our way. I was the one who chose to be with him from the very beginning. I repeat the last 2 years were the happiest in my 27 years of existence, I was a girlfriend, a friend, a partner all in one. Roles that I happily portrayed. 

I am not justifying anything that he did. I am just saying that people only hear my side of the story. There are a lot of things that I'd rather keep private and here is all I can say I respected him as a father, as a provider and as my partner.. I still do.. and of all the relationships I have been in this was the most fulfilling one. I was happy. I am still -- in a contented kind of way. Whether together or not I am praying that things will go our way because I know that we both deserve to be happy.

Talking to other people made me realize that he was going through something - something that I didn't understand and something he'd rather keep from me. I see him now in a different light. No hate, no regrets, no negativity. He is the best thing that ever happened to me despite how we ended up. He was the happiness that I deserve and he was the man that I needed. Those are things that we need to keep in mind. Things that other people won;t understand because even though you were aware of what's happening you weren't there every single day of our life together. And I assure you, he was as much of a blessing to me as I was to him. We were meant to happen.

I don't know where life will lead me from now.. Everyday without him is a struggle. Every minute that I am itching to contact him is a battle. Every minute to just go to him and hug him and tell him everything will be okay is war brewing in my mind. I want to let him go as he asked. I want him to find himself again. I am sincerely rooting for him to succeed in whatever endeavor he is facing. There are a lot of things that needs to be taken care of, a lot of things to settle.. but I am not strong enough to face him. In time, when we are both ready to face each other we will settle everything and talk. The relationship that we had is special and I know that we both should have the decency to talk and forgive and pick the pieces that we left behind. We are not teenagers anymore. We will settle this in the most mature manner that we can.

When I say I am okay that means I am surviving each day and soon I will have the closure that I need. That closure would mark the start of a better life for me. 

Don't worry I am okay :)

The quest for a better me

6 Rules to a BETTER life: 


➀ Never hate  -- check! 
➁ Live simply --check!
➂ Expect a little -- check!
➃ Give a lot -- check!
➄ Always smile - check!
➅ Live with love -- check! check!


** I know that at the moment there are are trials in my life.. but I am strong.. I will be strong.. and when the time comes that my prince charming comes and picks me up.. we will happy.. together..


I am not closing my doors but I am opening tons of windows.. I still believe in true love and I still believe in happily ever afters.. 


I am not happy at the moment.. but I will be contented with what I have.. 


I will be strong.. I will be strong.. 

From a friend:

I Will Be Strong

So strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind. It doesn’t mean I won’t cry, it means I’m daring to cry and be willing to carry on after that. It doesn’t mean I’m avoiding truth, it means accepting it, learning from it and dealing with it head on. Strong enough to have the capability and courage to stand persistently despite the blows of change. I will be too large for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

I Will Be the Master of My Emotions

Unless my mood is right the day will be a failure. I will master my emotions so that every day is a happy and productive day. Every day, I will be happy. I will do this by choosing happiness. If I wake up and I feel sad, I will sing or listen to songs of positivity and happiness. It will not only entertain me but will help me shift my mood back to positivity. If I feel sad, I will laugh. I’ll watch comedy movies or read funny comics. If I feel ill, I will double my labor. If I feel poverty, I will think of wealth to come. If I feel incompetent, I will remember my past successes. If I fear, I will move one step forward. If I feel insignificant, I will remember my goals. I will always remember that misery is a choice, the same as happiness.

I Will Laugh at the World

I will always remember to never allow myself to become so important, so wise, so dignified, so powerful, that I forget to laugh at myself and the world. For I know that only with laughter and happiness can I truly become a success and enjoy the fruit of my labours. As long as I can laugh, I will not be poor. On the other hand, I will not expect the world be the first to treat me rightfully, cheerfully and respectfully, but instead I will begin with myself and treat others the same. I will wear a cheerful face at all times and give every living creature I meet a smile. I will be just as enthusiastic and happy about the success of others as I am about my own.

I will act now

I will remember that all my dreams are worthless, my plans and goals are impossible, all are of no value unless I follow them with action. My goals are a living action. I will not avoid the task of today and charge them to tomorrow for I know tomorrow never comes.. I will act now even though my actions may not bring happiness or success , for it is better to act and fail than not to act and struggle. Tomorrow is a day reserved for the labor of the lazy, and I am not lazy. This is my time, this is my place and I am the man.

Remember, that change doesn’t happen overnight, as well as success and happiness does not. It happens through continuous habits and actions that brings prosperity, success and happiness in life. You may not have them now, but you can, if you just constantly promise yourself in improving the habits, mindset and attitudes in your day to day approach with life.

What's happening at 4 o'clock in the morning

He was calling me all throughout the day and he even called to say goodnight when he knew I was going to sleep. Is that effort enough? It kinda is, but then again I am not satisfied. I will give him time and see how things go -- I don't know what it is but there's something missing, there is a nagging voice inside of me that makes me want more from him.

Oh well, right now I wanna sleep and sleep and sleep but I can't, too many things still on my mind. Things to do to improve myself. I know this post is kinda random, but as I've said -- too many things running on my mind. I definitely needed this week to myself.

Don't get me wrong, but I am okay -- in a weird drug addict way :)

So what happened?

We talked and I asked him how we should move forward - I wanted to hear what he really wants and I want to feel if being with me is what his heart dictates. I have to admit that I missed talking to him, the way he listens and makes me feel mature and the way he makes sense of my ramblings. Seeing him after 3 days of letting things cool down made me realize that I love him still. The question is, does he feel the same way too?

Seeing him also reminded me of the pain - it was like cold water was running down my back. It wasn't easy. He couldn't look me in the eye at first, he didn't make a move to hold me, he just stared at me then smiled, I smiled back and then I realized that he was really sorry. No matter what happened, no matter what mistake he made, no matter what he did and what he didn't do before what matters is right now. I understood that he was lost, he felt lost. I know it does not justify anything he did, it doesn't make what happened right but what felt right was fixing what was broken.

I told him that this was not gonna be an easy road. I want him to make an effort to earn back the trust that was lost. I could go into details but it would take a day to write what was talked about.

We agreed to start over and no I haven't forgotten what happened, but yes I forgive him. We decided to not see each other 'til Saturday. Just to give time for both of us to see more clearly. I want both of us to be sure that this is the path we want and that we both see each other in our future.

I saw the heart of the man who did not intend to hurt. I pray that we can get over this. Is the relationship worth saving? -- yes. 

I pray to God that what I saw in Chicco is real. I pray that he can live up to his word. I pray.. I pray..

Think Positive!

Mistake is an instrument to make people change.

I still cry..

..when you tell me you love me..

Should I forgive, rebuild and move on?

Am I making excuses for him? Am I being stupid? I am so confused.

Questions that will remain unanswered until later when we see each other and talk..

From a blog I was reading:
"He needs to work HARD at rebuilding the trust he destroyed. He needs to be proactive on this - not you. You will trust naturally when you realize that his behavior warrants it."

The cycle goes on..

I am scared
I am confused
I am insecure
I am unhappy
I am happy
I am a nervous wreck
I am feeling numb
I am always on the verge of tears
I am sorry
I am thinking a lot
I am sleepless
I am hungry but I can't eat
I am hopeful
I am loved
I am going crazy
I am a zombie
I am barely breathing
I am forgiving
I am hoping for your happiness..
and I am gonna decide. TODAY.

Beautiful as you - All 4 one

Yeah -- after everything that's happening with my life right now. I am still hoping for an everlasting love.. A love worth waiting and a love worth saving.. Someone who would tell me that I am beautiful not because that is what I want to hear, but because that is how he sees me-- no matter what, who would think of me every single second of the day, who would love me despite my shortcomings and who would accept me.. for me :) 

:(

Kahit di mo sabihin
Aking napapansin
Di na kita pipilitin
Dahil di mo naman aaminin

Nagbago ang higpit ng yakap mo
Nagbago rin kung paano mo tawagin ang pangalan ko
Ang halik mo’y nagbago
Di ko alam bakit nagkaganito

Chorus:

Kahit na hindi mo sabihin pa
Nararamdaman kong ayaw mo na
Ayaw mo nang magpatuloy pa
Kahit na sabihing mahal pa kita
Walang magagawa kung ayaw mo na
Paano na
Di ko kayang mag-isa

Kahit di mo sabihin
Damang-dama pa rin
Wala na ang kislap ng yong mata
Tuwing ikaw ay kasama
Wala na ang dating saya
Yakap mo ay kaylamig na
Dating sigla sana’y mapalitan

Repeat Chorus

Paanong pipigilan ang nararamdaman

Repeat Chorus

Paano na
Di ko kayang mag-isa

I want to feel like this again..

Fairytales always have happy endings and no matter what happens to Chicco and me, I will still look for my happily ever after..

I am no longer hurting.. I am now prepared..

I was talking to D and M earlier trying to figure out what was wrong with me and my situation then I realized that that was my rainbow in this cloudy day -- I am happy I have friends I can call anytime of the day whenever I need ears to listen to bits of telenovelas I call my life. I am lucky that I have two people who know my life inside out and is willing to tell me upfront what they think, I love them both for that.

Anyhoo, I am writing this with no sleep for almost 36 hours, emotions are high, tears flowing, and my mind working faster than the speed of light. M is my angel, she speaks her mind in her soft voice and she makes me feel loved just by listening and being the sidekick that I needed. She is mad when I am mad, she is happy when I am happy, and I can feel her pain when I cry. She is perfect in every way possible. She made me calm down and think straight and plan on what needs to be done, she prepared me for the worst but we both hope for the best. D on the other hand is direct to the point, he asked me questions that made me realize that I might be overreacting, that I need to talk, that we need to straighten things out.. And then out of the blue, I realized my insecurities, why I am so paranoid.. I don't feel beautiful anymore, I gained 15 freakin' pounds since January, and since then we didn't go out as much, we didn't bond, we didn't talk, we let our relationship go down the drain just because I was scared of what people might think of my size.

Now I know what to do, I need to forgive myself and take care of myself more. I can't love anybody else if I can't love myself. And I am taking the first step on Monday. I will love myself. Then we will try to fix the broken pieces of our relationship and if it is no longer fixable then I should move forward with no regrets because I know that I did everything humanly possible to get back my happily ever after.

And to the best combination of friends that a person can wish for -- D and M, thank you.. and I love you..

Goodbye..

I feel torn, I feel like my muscles are burning, my ears are ringing and I have nobody to turn to..
I am not sure who I am right now, I am not sure who I will be..
I have not slept for over 24 hours because when I close my eyes I see you hurting me..
I trusted you, I made a point to make you special because making you feel special is my own way of making myself feel important..

I wish we can turn back time and change everything that happened..
I wish I could have an eraser for pain..
I wish I could move on and be strong for you..
but I can't..
you made a choice and I made mine just today..
Goodbye..